


Hanging by a Thread

by carolelained



Series: The Devil on My Shoulder [3]
Category: Hard Core Logo (1996), The X-Files, due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24421651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained
Summary: Part three of The Devil on My Shoulder. Part one was mainly about Ray and part two about Billy, so part three is about where they are now and how their lives have changed.Thank you goes to Ride_Forever who mentioned I should write about them in Chicago, as without her this would never have happened xx
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Billy Tallent, Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski
Series: The Devil on My Shoulder [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755832
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Hanging by a Thread

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ride_Forever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ride_Forever/gifts).



> All mistakes are mine and I apologize beforehand, the joy of isolating for weeks on end with young children xx

Hanging by a Thread

By CarolelaineD

I’d drove back home and back to Alex; and in all honesty I had no idea why I’d invited Ray and the Mountie to dinner later that week. Alex seemed pleased about it though and that worried me somewhat, maybe I saw Ray as more a threat than I’d first thought him to be. Well, what was done was done, yet my mood dropped with each passing minute. Alex had cooked the meal for us all while I’d showered and dressed, then I just sat there on the couch biting my nails like some kid.

“Billy you could always give me a hand if you’ve nothing to do…”

“Yeah whatever.”

“You can set the table then.”

I did as Alex asked and soon the task was done, then I helped myself to a glass of strong vodka while I waited for our guests to arrive. Jesus it was strong stuff and I really wasn’t used to it; well I guess you could tell that Alex was the vodka drinker in this house and not me.

“Shit slow down will you Billy.”

“Why what’s it to you?”

“We have guests coming and I’m not dealing with you tonight.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You will either be depressed or bad tempered Billy and it’s not fair on everyone else.”

“Fuck you.”

“Jesus Billy just calm down will you, I know you find it hard dealing with people and I accept that okay.”

“Yeah well, what if I fuck it all up?”

“Billy I love you and you’re my main concern in all of this, hell we can even cancel if that’s what you want?”

“No, it’s too late and not fair on them, look I promise that I’ll be okay Alex so don’t worry about me.”

“Billy I’ll always worry about you.”

Alex came over and put his arms around me and held me tight, god I loved him and I always felt safe when I was with him. Alex kept me sane and kept the nightmares at bay too, great suddenly I thought about Joe and how I missed him right now. I guess he was more like me and on the same level in so many ways, at the end of the day I was just plain old Billy Boisy and nothing special.

“Billy stop thinking so much.”

“What?”

“You always go really quiet when somethings on your mind.”

“Sorry, I’ll be on my best behavior tonight and won’t embarrass you.”

“Good because that was someone knocking at the door.”

“Will you answer it?”

“Yeah just go and sit down.”

I sat on the couch and watched as Alex went to answer the door to our guests, then Ray walked in and Alex hugged him like he was some lost friend. Then he shook Fraser's hand and led them into the room towards me, shit I had to wipe my hand on my jeans before I could even shake their hands.

“It’s good to see you again Billy, oh this is Fraser and he’s my partner.”

“Yeah I saw him the day you pulled me over, well it’s good to meet you Fraser.”

“And you too Billy.”

“You can both sit at the table while I get us a drink.”

The meal was enjoyable and the chatter was kept to a minimum, I was the one who kept going backward and forwards to get what we needed from the kitchen. Each time I made a point of grabbing another drink, now the vodka was really kicking in and I was starting to slur my words too. Shit then Alex walked into the kitchen and caught me red handed, he looked far more disappointed with me than angry.

“Billy, what are you doing?”

“I would have thought that was obvious wouldn’t you.”

“Don’t be a smart ass Billy, you play in a fuckin band and have to deal with people on a regular basis.”

“So what?”

“Yet you can’t even handle a couple of friends coming over for dinner.”

“Yeah I play in a band Alex and nothing more, I arrive there and do what they want, then afterward I leave.”

“Are you trying to tell me there’s no communication at all?”

“Hardly.”

“So, what when you have to go on tour with them?”

“I’ll deal with that when the time arrives.”

“God this is so fucked up Billy.”

“Yeah well maybe it’s me Alex, I’m the one that’s fucked up and always will be.”

“Look we can talk about all of this later, please just come back into the room and sit down with us.”

“Fine, whatever.”

I followed Alex back into the room and sat down beside him on the couch, Fraser and Ray were sat opposite us and were talking as we’d walked into the room. Ray was watching me and looked as nervous as I felt, yet eventually he smiled before talking to me and I felt somewhat at ease.

“So whatcha up to then Billy, I hear yer in a new band or somethin?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Billy’s a talented guitarist, however I believe he’s rather modest when it comes to himself.”

“Yeah just because you think the sun shines out of my backside Alex.”

“So whatcha call the band then?”

“Headstones, I only play the guitar and I’m nothin special.”

“Hey Frase and I could watch ya play one night.”

“Whatever, does anyone want another glass of wine?”

I had to get the hell out of this room before I suffocated, Ray was trying to get me to talk and I had nothing to say to him about anything. I guess the images of him with Alex weren’t helping either, despite I knew all the facts and why it had happened. I tried to take my mind of things and opened another bottle of wine, soon I returned to the room and started refilling the empty glasses.

I walked over to Ray as he held out his glass and smiled at me, shit and for some reason I hated that smile and didn’t want to see him happy like that. Okay so I was behaving like an immature brat, yet I couldn’t help myself as I poured some of the wine onto his trouser leg.

“Shit…What the hell?”

“So sorry Ray, I guess I was miles away.”

“Billy what have you…”

“Fuck you Alex, actually fuck all of you.”

I stormed off and went into the bedroom, I even made a point of slamming the door behind me in the hopes they’d leave me alone. Well I guess I got my wish, it wasn’t until a few hours later and the guests were gone before Alex opened the door.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d had a bad feeling about tonight all along, also Billy seemed to dislike me for some reason and I had no idea what I’d done to him to make him feel like that.

“Shit I’m so sorry Ray, hold on and I’ll go get you a cloth or something.”

“Alex it wasn’t yer fault, look I’ll deal with it when I get home so would ya just chill and sit back down.”

“Yeah sorry, I’ve no idea what goes on inside that head of his at times.”

“Leave him be for now, no point forcing him to like me is there.”

We spent another couple of hours drinking and catching up with Alex, yet in all that time Billy remained locked inside his bedroom. Alex had explained that he was very insecure at times and had a rough past too. I felt sorry for the man and was willing to try again another night, right now I was just glad to be back home with Fraser.

“Ray come to bed and stop thinking about everything, Ray are you even listening to me?”

“Sorry Frase, guess I was miles away.”

“Ray none of this is your fault, maybe Billy sees you as some sort of threat.”

“Whatcha mean by that Frase, why the hell would he see someone like me as a threat?”

“You both share one thing in common Ray, maybe he’s jealous of the time you spent with Alex and worries you still want him.”

“Shit I never thought of that, so what about you then Frase…”

“What about me Ray?”

“Are ya jealous too, cos believe me when I say it’s you that I want Frase.”

“I’m well aware of that Ray and that’s why I’m not jealous.”

“How can ya truly know…”

“Because I know you Ray, also I can see the love you feel every single time you look at me.”

“Are we still good Frase?”

“Yes, we’re still good Ray, so I’ll ask you once again. Please Ray come to bed, let me show you how much I love and trust you.”

I stood there and looked at his face and felt so wanted and loved by this man, and that was something that I’d never had with Alex Krycek. Shit, I’d have to find a way to make Billy realize that too, I had to make him realize that Alex was his and I wouldn’t take him away from him either.

“Ray bed now!”

“Bossy or what Frase.”

“Someone has to take care of you Ray, I promise that we will deal with all of this and Billy, just not tonight.”

Fraser started to undress and never stopped until he stood before me naked, he then just held his hand out to me and I couldn’t refuse him.

“Shit ya know how to get me to pay attention Frase.”

“Good because I want you undressed and in that bed within the minute.”

I started pulling off my clothes as fast as I could, then Fraser grabbed hold of my hand and shoved me down onto the bed. Within seconds I felt his warm body as it pressed against my own, then his hands worked magic on my tired aching body.

“Just let it all go Ray.”

“Frase I need ya now.”

“Patience Ray.”

“Ya know I have no patience Frase, come on just fuck me already will ya.”

“How did you ever cope on your own Ray, also I plan to make love to you and also to take my time.”

I grabbed the pillow and shoved my head under it as I moaned, tonight all I wanted was it fast and hard so I could forget about everything else that had happened. Okay so maybe I was sulking and just wanted my own way, yet I knew that Frase could be a stubborn bastard when he wanted to be.

“Frase…”

“Don’t whine Ray or I will have to stop right now.”

“God damn stubborn Mountie!”

Shit then suddenly I felt his hands leave my body and him move away, I felt so lost and wanted him to come back and touch me however he wanted.

“Please Frase…”

“I’m not leaving you Ray, sometimes I think you’re as bad as Billy for feeling insecure.”

I never answered Fraser, yet next minute I felt him part my ass cheeks and then I was gone. I felt his tongue lick its way down my body and then slowly he forced the tip of his tongue deep inside my ass, and I couldn’t stop myself as I moaned out loud in pleasure. Frase was good at it and I’d come from what he was doing alone, my whole body was on fire and I was struggling to keep myself together.

“I need ya so much Frase, oh god that’s so fuckin good and I’m gonna come…”

“No, you’re not Ray.”

“Oh shit that is so not buddies Frase, of all the times to fuckin stop…”

“You have to wait Ray; you will only come when I allow it or not at all.”

“What, shit who died and put you in charge Frase?”

“You have two choices Ray, wait or not at all.”

“Frase I’m a big boy and could jerk off if I have to.”

Shit suddenly Frase had my hands bulled behind my back and held them there tight, then I felt the warm air as he whispered into my ear and turned me on even more.

“I’ll restrain you if you don’t behave yourself, I want to show you how much I love you and want you Ray. Promise me that you will behave and I’ll make it so good for you, and all you have to do is lay there.”

“God I’m a fuckin idiot.”

“No, you’re just impatient Ray and I love that about you.”

“I swear I won’t move Frase.”

“Good.”

Suddenly I felt as Fraser slipped a finger inside me and moved it around, then I was like jelly as said finger started massaging my prostate.

“I need to be inside you Ray…”

“Hey, do I look like I’m stopping ya Frase…”

The finger was withdrawn and then I felt something replace it, Frase worked his cock deep inside my ass stretching and filling it until I was full and pinned to the bed once more. Then he started pulling himself fully back out before slamming back into me hard. I was so fuckin turned on by the actions and all the noises the man made. I don’t think Fraser realized just how much he turned me on when he fucked me, yet here I was with my cock trapped between my body and the bed.

Fraser still had my arms behind my back and never let go until he was sure I’d stay, then suddenly his hand slipped underneath me and then wrapped around my erection. All I could do was lay there and let him go at his own pace, I couldn’t even jerk off into his hand as I was so trapped by his weight. Then Fraser started moving even faster as he fucked me, also his hand managed to keep up the exact same pace too.

It was all too much and my body shuddered with the intense orgasm that wracked my body, god then I felt Frase come and collapse on top of me. Soon he rolled off me and lay beside me once more, and all I could do was look at him and know I was safe from everything and the world itself. Frase did that for me and I loved him so much, he was still a freak at times but he was my freak.

“God, you’re a freak Frase.”

“I love you too Ray.”

“Hmmm…”

“Go to sleep Ray and forget about everything else, nothing else matters as long as we have each other.”

Frase held me tight in his arms and I closed my eyes, I fell asleep wondering if Billy could be saved or whether I should cut all ties with the man.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d heard the door open and then Alex move around the room, shit then he came over towards the bed and stood there looking down at me. Great this was all I needed after the night I’d had, especially as I knew Alex wouldn’t let this drop anytime soon. Alex was the type that would refuse to even sleep until we’d spoke and dealt with it, then there was me who’d rather bury my head in the sand and hide until it was over.

“Billy talk to me, come on I know that you’re awake.”

“I’ve got nothin to say…”

“How about you start at the beginning, come on Billy what the hell started all this?”

“Nothin so leave me the hell alone.”

“You were the one that invited them over, yet you behaved like some immature prick.”

“Well thanks a lot, at least I know what you think of me now.”

“Billy you know that I love you, shit I just can’t deal with you when you’re like this.”

“Like what?”

“You can be really moody at times, you’re hard to talk to Billy and you make everyone else suffer too.”

“Hey, you came looking for me so remember that.”

“I’m well aware of that, also the reason why I came to look for you in the first place.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“Billy just knock it the fuck off will you.”

“Fuck you, just get out of my way Alex.”

“Where are you going Billy?”

Shit suddenly I felt like I did when I was with Joe, it was like going back in time and having to answer to Joe all the time. Where are you going Billy, what are you doing Billy? You answer to me Billy, you belong to me Billy. Shit, I was slowly losing it and hanging by a thread, and now I was even hearing Joe inside my head. I leapt out of bed fast and just pushed Alex out of my way in my attempt to get out of here.

“What the fuck… Billy please don’t do this tonight.”

I went into the kitchen and soon found the open bottle of vodka, maybe if I got pissed they’d all go away and leave me the hell alone. I couldn’t handle this anymore, the voices in my head were becoming more frequent and it scared the hell out of me at times. Not that I’d mentioned any of this to Alex, and it was best this way as he’d end up having me committed or something.

“Billy you don’t need that.”

“Don’t tell me what I need, shit you’re not my fuckin father Alex.”

“No I’m supposed to be your lover and partner, or doesn’t that mean anything to you Billy?”

“It’s a fuckin drink and nothing more so fuck off.”

God then suddenly that voice was back once more, that’s it Billiam it’s about time you stood up for yourself.

“Will you just fuck off Joe and leave me the hell alone.”

“Billy, what the hell’s going on in that head of yours?”

“What?”

“You just fuckin called me Joe!”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Right, no way are you drinking when you can’t even think straight.”

Suddenly Alex grabbed the bottle out of my hand and walked towards the sink, great it was the last bottle and he was going to just pour it all away. I saw red and went to grab the bottle from his hand, and as usual nothing ever went right in my fucked up life. Alex turned and saw me at the last minute and had no time to pour it away, then the bastard casually stood there and let the bottle fall onto the floor where it smashed.

“What the hell did you do that for?”

“You’ve already drank enough Billy, look it’s late and we both need some sleep.”

I looked around the kitchen frantically as my mind went into overdrive, I wanted them all to shut up and to leave me alone. Nothing was working and all I could hear was the voices laughing at me and telling me what to do, it was at that moment I saw the knife block on the kitchen counter. I moved as fast as I could and grabbed the sharpest knife there, I then held it against my own wrist and was willing to do this if it made them all shut up.

“Billy drop the fuckin knife now…”

“I can’t…Please just leave me alone and let me do this.”

“Billy it was a stupid argument and nothing more, hell there’s no reason for you to behave like this.”

“It’s Joe…”

“Billy Joe’s not here.”

“Yes he is, every day he’s here and still telling me what to do.”

“You’ve drank too much; look we can sleep and deal with all of this when you’re sober.”

“I’m sorry…”

Shit suddenly I was slammed up hard against the wall, the knife flew out of my hand and dropped to the floor below. Alex kicked the knife away and forced me to walk into the bedroom and lie down, he then used his weight to pin me to the bed.

“Don’t fight me Billy, I assure you here and now that I’ll win when it comes to your safety.”

“I’m sorry, look I’ll behave and sleep it off.”

“How can I believe you Billy, especially after the carry on with the knife?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Hold on a minute.”

Alex got off me and started searching through the draw near the bed, I then watched as he pulled a pair of very real looking cuffs out of the draw.

“Alex, what are you doing, hell are those things real?”

“I was an FBI agent once upon a time Billy, look I’m sorry but I don’t know any other way to keep you safe until you sober up.”

“It’s not you Alex, look it’s me okay. Just do what you have to do.”

I lay there as Alex cuffed one of my wrists to his, at first I thought he’d cuff me to the bed and just leave me there alone.

“I love you so much Billy Tallent, however at times you really scare the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry, shit I don’t mean to do it.”

“I know Billy, look you have to tell me if there’s something bothering you okay.”

“It’s nothing.”

“So, what’s all this talk about Joe then.”

“I guess the drink just got the better of me and I was feeling rather emotional.”

“You better not be lying to me Billy.”

“I’m not I swear.”

“Good, we can get some sleep and discuss everything else in the morning.”

“Yeah okay.”

Alex put his arm around me and held me close to him, I was really tired now and my eyes started to slowly close. Shit and that was when Joe had to talk to me once again, you’re losing it Billiam and soon they’ll lock you up and throw away the key. I wanted to tell him to shut up and go away, yet at the last minute I remembered that Alex was here with me. Soon though I heard his breathing change and knew he was asleep, yet I had to lay here and suffer as Joe ranted on and on about my behavior. At this rate, I’d be calling the men in white coats myself, who knows maybe things would change once I was back with the band and doing what I did best.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fraser and I got on really well with Alex and went out a few more times, every single time Billy refused to come and claimed that he felt unwell. I’d spoken to Alex about my concern and that I wanted to keep trying, yet Billy wouldn’t even meet me halfway. Hell, in all honesty the man wouldn’t even meet me at all and wouldn’t even talk to me. Soon I was dressed and grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter, maybe it was time to see what the man had to hide and why he hated me in particular.

“Ray where are you going?”

“Frase do ya even listen to me?”

“Apparently not Ray.”

“Jeez Frase, sometimes ya gotta lie a little about the small stuff.”

“Understood, so are you going to answer the question Ray?”

“I said I was going to the precinct, I wanna run Billy’s name through the system and see if it shows anything.”

“I thought you told Alex that you wouldn’t do that Ray.”

“So I lied, look I’m doin it to see if I can help.”

“That’s good of you Ray, well apart from the lying that is.”

“Frase you can stay here, I wouldn’t want ya to get in any shit on my account.”

“You are my partner Ray and I will stand by you no matter what you decide to do.”

“So, come on then Frase, pitter patter let’s get at her.”

We drove over to the station and I found the nearest computer that I could use without anyone seeing, this was personal and I wanted to make sure it stayed that way too. Within seconds I had his name typed in and ran a search without any luck at all, shit I had to be doin somethin wrong here.

“I don’t understand this Frase, Alex even told me that he found Billy through the police files.”

“So what’s the problem Ray.”

“There’s nothin here at all, it’s like the man don’t exist and never has.”

“Ah I see now.”

“See what, come on Frase spit it out.”

“You’re searching for a Billy Tallent.”

“And?”

“He changed his name when he wanted to be famous.”

“So, any chance ya know his real name Frase.”

“Oh yes, I’m good when it comes to remembering names and dates Ray.”

“Any chance ya wanna share then Frase, time’s ticking and I need to be quick.”

“Yes sorry Ray, you need to search for the name William Boisy.”

I typed it in and sure enough I got a hit, straight away I recognized the face that stared back at me. Well after all it was the same face that stared back at me every day from my mirror, it actually scared the hell out of me how alike we looked.

“Ray are you okay.”

“Yeah, I just got a little lost there for a moment.”

“It’s understandable Ray, how about we print it off and read it in the car or something?”

“Yeah good idea, knowing my luck Welsh will appear and give me shit again.”

“Maybe you should stop provoking the man Ray, after all he is your boss and superior.”

“Yeah, yeah, look you can punish me later when we get back home.”

“I might hold you to that Ray.”

“Hey, I hope ya do Frase.”

We printed off the few sheets and got the hell out of here, soon we were both back in the GTO and I started reading all about William Boisy hoping it would help me to deal with the man.

“Well it looks like things go back farther than when he was in a band, according to this he was under social services and the attention of his head teacher.”

“Does it state the reason why Ray?”

“Patience Frase, says here that he turned up to school sporting fresh bruises every week. It was well known that his father was a drunk and abusive towards him too, it also looks like Billy took drugs as a way to escape his home life.”

“It’s common to find another outlet Ray, especially if you have nowhere to go and no support.”

“Yeah well it looks like he had a partner in crime, the same name seems to pop up an awful lot here Frase. Caught buying drugs, also shoplifting and a causing a general disturbance in the neighborhood.”

“Does it say anything with regards to the other boy that was involved?”

“Turns out they did most things together, and that they were pretty much inseparable growing up.”

“Well at least he had someone there for him Ray.”

“Yeah and he still has Alex now, oh fuck…”

“Language Ray.”

“I just realized who his best friend was, shit this goes back way farther and could make him how he is now.”

“What makes you say that Ray.”

“His best friend was Joseph Mulgrew, better known as Joe Dick lead singer of Hard Core Logo.”

“Well yes I can see why that would explain a lot Ray, Alex has mentioned Joe and how Billy fell apart when he killed himself.”

“That still doesn’t explain why he hates me though; hell it wasn’t like I shot the man or somethin.”

“Ray he’s well aware of the fact that Joe killed himself, look I think it’s nothing more than plain old jealousy.”

“Whatcha mean Frase?”

“You both look so much alike Ray, however you’re a detective, someone with a career and a life. I think he’s jealous of the time you spent with Alex, he can’t see why Alex would want someone like him.”

“Why not, he’s intelligent enough Frase. Shit, the man is also a member of a top Canadian band too.”

“Sometimes people don’t see things the way they are Ray, especially if life has treated him cruel in the past.”

“So, what the hell can I do about it now, how do I get him to trust me?”

“With a lot of patience and hard work Ray.”

“Shit ya know I’ve got no patience Frase, I hate having to wait for anything.”

“Yes, I’m well aware of that fact Ray, maybe you need to speak to him one to one without myself or Alex present.”

“What ya think that might work?”

“Anything is worth trying Ray, look it’s time we were heading home now as it’s getting late.”

“Yeah and ya still have to punish me Frase.”

“Understood Ray, I look forward to it.”

“God yer a freak Frase.”

“And I love you too Ray.”

God I loved the man so much despite his strange ways, hell I guess that was what made him the person he was and the person I wanted. Once home I would give Billy a call and invite him out somewhere, maybe I could call Alex and find out what interested the man.

XXXXXXXXXX

I thought I was coping and hiding everything really well, Alex accepted my refusal to go out with him to see Fraser and Ray. In all honesty I had a feeling that I was just an embarrassment and that he preferred it without me, I even managed to keep my other little secret too. Alex would flip if he knew I was still hearing voices in my head, okay so maybe it was really just the one voice I heard. Yeah, the voice of my dead friend, the same one who’d always controlled me when he was alive.

At first, I would scream and tell him to get the fuck out of my head, however that just drew far too much attention to me. Okay I was as fucked up as they came, also I was still jealous of Ray fuckin Kowalski too. I guess this was something I’d have to deal with if I wanted to keep Alex, and to do that I would need some sort of plan that would work. I guess that had become my mission lately, and it took over my mind as I thought of ways to deal with this.

I sat on the couch with a mug of coffee in my hand, shit I was miles away and hadn’t even heard the phone that was ringing close by. Not that I’d have answered it anyway, Alex always had to do it as I didn’t want to speak to anyone right now. Even so, I knew work would be calling soon and I’d have to go out, so in a way I had to pull myself together and deal with all my own shit.

“Billy are you even listening to me?”

“What?”

“That was Hugh on the phone, look I’m sick of lying to everyone just so you can sit here and sulk.”

“Did he say what he wanted?”

“Yeah Billy, he wants you in the studio tomorrow or else.”

“Or else what?”

“They start looking for a new guitarist.”

“Fuck…”

“Yeah my thoughts too, look you need to call him back and tell him you’ll be there.”

“Yeah okay I will do it later.”

“Now Billy.”

“I said later.”

I walked into the kitchen and heard Alex moaning about always doing everything, then I heard him talking on the phone and knew he’d called Hugh. Fuck then I heard the voice I didn’t want to hear right now, what are you trying to do Billiam?

“Get the fuck out of my head right now Joe…”

“Billy, who are you talking to?”

Shit, I realized that Alex had heard me and that wasn’t good, so I took a deep breath and acted casual when I entered the room. I was just about to tell him that I was talking to him when the phone rang once more, at least that had saved me from having to answer his annoying questions. It was then that I heard Alex say hi to Ray and now knew who was on the phone, so I just sank down on the couch and sat there sulking until the call was finally over.

“What did he want?”

“He does have a name Billy.”

“Fine, what did Ray want?”

“Apparently he wants to see you alone, he thought maybe you two could work out your differences if no one else was interfering.”

“I don’t know…”

“Billy just meet him somewhere and talk, you know as well as I do that this has to be sorted out.”

“Fine, but it will have to wait till the weekend as I need to go to work.”

“Okay I’ll call him and let him know, I’m pleased that you’re doing this Billy.”

“Yeah whatever, does that mean you might actually want to touch me now?”

“What do you mean by that Billy?”

“You haven’t slept with me for weeks Alex, ever since that night where Fraser and Ray came here for dinner.”

“What the hell do you expect Billy, you’ve walked around sulking and totally ignoring me. Hell it was like you didn’t even want to be here with me, so I guess I just gave you your space and left you alone.”

“Alex, do you still love me?”

“God how can you even ask that Billy, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life.”

“Prove it to me then.”

“How?”

“Come to bed with me and make love to me…”

“Glady, lead the way Billy.”

Soon we were both in bed and naked, I loved Alex and just lay here as he kissed me all over and turned me on even more. We’d gone weeks though and now I was becoming really desperate, in some ways I wanted him to do it fast and hard so I’d feel it for days to come. Oh god and then he was parting my ass cheeks and slipping a finger deep inside my body, while I lay here like some wanton slut.

“God you’re so responsive Billy, all those little noises go straight to my cock and turn it to stone.”

“Alex please…”

“Patience Billy, I want to show you how much I love and want you.”

Soon Alex removed his fingers and I felt the loss straight away, well that was until I felt something larger forcing its way inside my ass. Oh god and then he was filling me and soon working up a rhythm, each time the man purposely hit my prostate and caused me to moan out loud. In the end I reached down and grabbed my own cock in desperation, then Alex went and knocked it away making me even more frustrated.

“You’re not coming until I say so Billy.”

“Alex please…”

“You need to learn the meaning of patience.”

My head was so fucked up and I was desperate with need, also I knew now was not a good time to be hearing Joe’s fuckin voice in my head again. Poor Billy, do you want it rough and hard Billy. I bet you want it like before, can you remember the first time I took you and truly made you mine. Shit my mind went back to that night in the motel, how I’d laid there and let Joe do what he wanted to me after always saying no to him. God just the thought of how he’d forced himself on me and made me come, also the thought of how turned on I was at the time too.

Shit I came before I knew what was happening and that scared the hell out of me, well along with certain other things that had just happened. Deep down I’d never been more fucked up or lost than I was now, I guess it scared the hell out of me not knowing who’d turned me on the most and made me come. Alex was making love to me, yet in my head it was Joe who’d taken me how I wanted to be taken.

“Billy are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“You just looked a little out of it for a while that’s all.”

“Hey I’m good, I just need some rest and will be okay once I’m working again.”

“Yeah true, I sometimes think you use that guitar as a security blanket.”

“Yeah shame I can’t take it with me when I see Ray.”

“You’ll do okay Billy so stop worrying.”

God I hoped that he was right and that it did all go okay, not that I planned to tell Alex my main reason for wanting to meet Ray and get to know him.

XXXXXXXXXX

I received a call later that day from Alex, and I had to admit that Billy’s decision had really surprised me and was unexpected. So, it appeared that he wanted to meet me at the weekend so that we could go somewhere and talk, shit that meant I had just a few days to come up with something to do.

“Shit I don’t know if I can do this Frase.”

“What do you mean Ray, I thought you were all for dealing with this?”

“I am, I just wish ya could come with me Frase.”

“Ray that would defy the object of the mission.”

“What?”

“Ray you really need to keep up and pay attention, Billy will not open up and talk to you with me there and you know that.”

“Shit why is this making me so fuckin nervous?”

“Language please Ray.”

“Frase don’t do that will ya?”

“Do what Ray?”

“Moan about my language when I’m in the middle of a crisis.”

“Ray this is hardly a crisis, at the end of the day you’re a good detective and can handle far worse than Billy Tallent.”

“Yeah I guess yer right, I could always kick him in the head if he gets out of line.”

“Give me strength, Ray you’re supposed to be sorting out your differences and not making them worse.”

“I don’t even know what to say to him, hell I don’t even know where we can go. Maybe I could get him to come here and have a few drinks, ya could be some sorta referee or somethin Frase…”

“Ray you are meeting him on your own and that is the end of it, also you had better think of somewhere as you won’t be staying in either.”

“God ya wanna take a look at yerself in the mirror Frase, sometimes yer worse than my father.”

“Yes, well sometimes you need that little push Ray.”

“Gee thanks…”

“Okay, maybe we could compromise Ray, something that might make this more acceptable to you.”

“I’m all ears Fraser buddy.”

“You could arrange for Alex to drop him off here, we could have a drink to break the ice before you leave with Billy.”

“And then go where?”

“Ray can you please use your head, go for a meal or to a bar. Look it just has to be somewhere that you can talk and spend some time together.”

“Okay, I guess I can do that.”

“Maybe you could call Alex and ask for his advice on how to deal with Billy, we already know that he’s not had the perfect childhood and he did lose his best friend.”

“Yeah I get it, I still don’t see why he hates me though Frase.”

“As I said before Ray, maybe he feels you have more to offer Alex and he feels threatened by you.”

“So how do I change that Frase, well without him getting all pissy on me.”

“You need to tell him about your time with Alex, let him know how much Alex missed him and talked about him.”

“Yeah I get it.”

“Ray all you can do is try, after that it will be up to Billy to decide if he believes you or not.”

I knew that Fraser was right and I could do nothing more than try, yet as the days past I became far more nervous than I thought possible. At the end of the day, I was a good detective and had faced far worse, maybe I should just see him as one of my cases and keep it informal. I’d done as Frase had asked and called Alex, he was good and gave me a few tips on how to deal with Billy. Alex also mentioned about Joe and to be careful if his name popped up at all, it didn’t help when he told me Billy was acting rather strange lately too.

According to Alex the man had suffered somewhat at the hands of others, also Alex was unsure about Billy’s sanity right now as he’d started talking to himself. I guess in some ways I could relate to that, hell I had Fraser who talked to his old man all the time. So, it would appear that Billy was really close to Joe and it had all gone to hell, the end result was Joe’s suicide and Billy left to deal with it. I guess he felt somewhat close to Joe and that’s why he keeps talking to him, great now I felt like a complete bastard.

Billy only had Fraser other than Alex, yet Fraser hardly saw him because of me. I did wonder what this new band of his was like too. Alex said that Billy joined the band a few months ago after he moved to Chicago, so he was the newest member and might feel somewhat out of place around them. This was something I would have to look into in the future, I wanted to know if Billy could go to any of them if the need arose and he found himself alone.

I wanted us to be friends and knew this would either make or break it, what happened between myself and Billy would also affect Alex and Fraser too and I didn’t want to lose what I already had. I knew that Fraser would stand by me no matter what, however at the end of the day we both liked Alex and Billy.

Saturday night finally arrived and I was bad tempered and kept snapping at Fraser, I knew it wasn’t his fault but was still unable to stop myself. At this rate I’d push him away and lose the person I loved more than anyone else, and that was totally unacceptable as without him I was nothing at all. Then I lost all rational thought when I heard the doorbell go, and worse was when I heard Fraser invite both of them inside our apartment.

I knew I was being immature, yet I didn’t want to walk out of the bedroom and face them right now. Maybe I could hide in here and Frase would forget all about me for a while, and then my hopes were dashed as Fraser walked into the room grinning like a fuckin Cheshire cat.

“Come on Ray, our guests are here and you can’t keep them waiting.”

“Hmm, maybe I could just tie you to the bed instead and have some fun with you Frase.”

“Any other time I would like that Ray, however now is not the time.”

“Are ya serious Frase, would you really let me tie you to the bed and have my wicked way with you?”

“Of course I would Ray, actually I look forward to you keeping your word.”

“Great now I have to go entertain the guests with that image in my head.”

“Move now Ray or else…”

Great, I was so hard just thinking about Fraser naked and restrained on our bed, hey I was a man after all and had plenty of my own fantasies. I guess I always saw Fraser as the vanilla type of guy when it came to sex, shit now I would have so much fun with him and could put all of them into reality. Okay I was getting way ahead of myself here, first I would have to go deal with Billy and see if I could get him to actually like me, hell even getting him to talk to me would be good too.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d spent the entire day on edge and pissing Alex off, it wasn’t my fault that I was nervous about spending some time alone with Ray Kowalski. I guess my mood became worse with each passing hour too, and then there was still Joe who wouldn’t shut the fuck up and get outta my head. Alex had to practically force me to get into his car and stay there, and then the drive over was worse as I no longer thought I could carry out what I’d planned to do.

I just had to keep it together and make Ray think that I liked him, so that way everything would work out okay and Alex would stop getting pissed off with me all the time. Then we finally pulled up and I just sat there and refused to get out, shit at this rate it would be my own fault if Alex decided to leave me.

“Jesus Billy, just get out of the fuckin car will you!”

“Shit now you sound just like Joe.”

“Yeah well I can relate, especially if this was how you behaved with him.”

“Fuck you, maybe you should all stop trying to tell me what to do all the time.”

“God I just want you to be happy Billy and for us all to get along, is that too much to ask?”

“Look it’s me and who I am, I guess I don’t make friends as easy as some people.”

“Is that a dig at me Billy?”

“Yeah well you had no problem making friends with them did you, even after what went on between you and Ray?”

“Fuck this, look I’ll just turn the fuckin car around and we can go back home. Is that what you want Billy, will it make you happy?”

“Fine, I’m getting outta the car okay.”

I got out and slammed the door far harder than was necessary, Alex never opened his mouth but the look spoke volumes. Yeah right, I bet his fuckin car meant more to him than I did right now. Finally, we made it to the apartment door and it was opened by Fraser, the Mountie was as polite as usual and invited us inside before telling us to take a seat.

“Please sit, I’ll just go and see where Ray got to and will only be a moment.”

“Yeah okay Fraser, Billy can wait as he has nowhere to be until tomorrow.”

Great now Alex was even doing my talking for me, shit then I sat there and could hear Fraser and Ray in the bedroom as they laughed and talked together. Well, I hadn’t expected to hear them discuss their sexual kinks and what they wanted to do to each other, however I had to admit that it fuelled my imagination for the future and when the time was right. Finally, both men walked out of the bedroom and came to join us, shit straight away Alex was up on his feet and hugging Ray.

Right now, I wanted to scream out at them to both stop, to kick out at something so that I could hide the tears that were threatening to fall. Then I noticed Ray look towards me, straight away he let go of Alex and came to sit beside me on the couch.

“How are ya Billy?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“So are ya ready to blow this joint then?”

“What do you have in mind Ray?”

“I know a small bar that’s close by.”

“Okay, can we go before I change my mind?”

“Yeah come on then.”

I followed Ray outside and was surprised when he started walking, thankfully the bar was really just around the corner as the night was cold and I was already freezing my ass off. Inside Ray ordered a couple of drinks and we found a table in the corner away from the crowd.

“Sit down Billy, look I swear I don’t bite so just relax will ya…”

“Sorry.”

“I would like us to be friends Billy, if not maybe we can pretend to be for Alex’s and Fraser’s sake.”

“I don’t hate you Ray, shit I dunno how the hell to deal with any of this and should leave.”

“Billy you’re here now so please stay and talk, look you can ask me anything you want and I’ll be as honest as I can okay.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Well, the man had said that I was free to ask him anything and this could help, I could use it to my advantage and see how Ray spoke and acted for later. I was so fucked up now and nothing could stop me, I was on a mission and even Alex would disown me if he knew what I was planning.

“Ya look miles away Billy.”

“Just thinking, so how long ago did you meet Fraser?”

“We’ve known each other for a couple of years and are work partners, we only got together after what happened to me when I was with…Shit.”

“You can say it you know; you mean after what happened with you and Alex.”

“Yeah I guess so, Alex only ever talked about you Billy and he loves you so much.”

“Yeah I know.”

“So why do ya feel threatened by me?”

“Look at yourself Ray, you’re successful and have made something of yourself.”

“Billy you only see what you want to see.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I was perhaps more fucked up than you, hell I’d still be that way if it wasn’t for Fraser too.”

“Yeah right.”

“I have an ex wife and a fucked up past; I’ll openly admit that I can be really needy at times and most people can’t handle that. I work undercover so that I can escape my own fucked up life, the only good thing to come out of it all was Fraser.”

“So how come you never hit it off sooner?”

“Because I believed that I was straight okay, it was Alex that made me accept myself for who I am and he also made me realize that Fraser was in love with me.”

“Yeah Alex never gave up on me either, sometimes I realize that I don’t deserve him and that he could do better.”

“Billy he won’t leave ya as he loves ya, plus yer far from fucked up and have a good career too.”

“Yeah right, every band I play with fucks up, that or I fuck them off.”

“So, what about the band yer in now?”

“I guess their okay, shit their far more than okay and the singer reminds me of Joe.”

“Yeah I heard about Joe, I’m sorry you had to lose him like that.”

“We were going to get a band tattoo but it never happened, do you have any tattoos Ray?”

“Yeah, one on my arm.”

Ray pulled his sleeve up and showed me the tattoo that was on his arm, well that was good to know and would really help my plan succeed when I put it into action. Part of me felt guilty as Ray was actually okay to get on with and seemed like a decent man. Even so, I had to remind myself that was the reason why Alex would see him as better than me.

So, we had our evening together and said we’d do it again in a couple of weeks, that was fine with me as I wanted some time to do my own thing and deal with my own problems. There was also Ray who I wanted to keep an eye on too, I spent a whole week following him around and watching him walk talk and even work. The man had a very unique way about him and that could make this hard and even possibly fail, however I also realized that he could be reckless and impulsive at times and that was really good.

I had a feeling that Fraser never truly knew what to expect from Ray, so things were starting to look promising and might just work out after all. It was a shame my home life wasn’t working out though, Alex was starting to get really pissed off with me now. I guess I was out far more than normal, also I was distant when at home and Alex had even heard me talking to myself a few times too and that didn’t help. I’d got in late after another night of following Ray and went for a shower, then I returned to the bedroom and found Alex stood there looking pissed off.

“Talk to me Billy.”

“What?”

“Where have you been?”

“Jeez get a grip will ya Alex, it was a fuckin band meeting and nothing more okay.”

Shit suddenly Alex shoved me backward and I fell onto the bed, then within seconds he sat over me and pinned me there and all I could do was look away from him.

“I rang the studio Billy, they told me that you weren’t there so don’t lie to me.”

“Maybe I’d gone for a coffee or somethin…”

“I’d shut up right now if I were you Billy, according to the singer no one has seen you all week so try again. Where were you Billy?”

“Out walking.”

“Walking where, were you with someone Billy?”

“No I swear, I just wanted some time alone.”

“That’s funny, because Ray said that he’s seen you a few times near their place and at work.”

“He’s lying.”

“Why would he need to lie Billy, hell you’ve just lied to me so why should I believe you.”

“I’m sorry, shit I don’t know what to say Alex.”

“Personally, I think you're still jealous of Ray.”

“No, I swear I’m not.”

“Okay I have one more question for you Billy.”

“What question?”

“Do you still talk to Joe, is he still there in your head Billy?”

“No I swear...”

“I’m going away on business for a few days Billy, right now I can’t deal with all this crap and the lies.”

“Alex please don’t do this.”

“You better learn to tell me the truth Billy, when I return I want honesty or I leave for good.”

“Alex why are you doing this, please I love you and need you.”

“I gave you a chance Billy when I asked about Joe.”

“Yeah and I told you that he’s gone.”

“Another lie Billy, I heard you in the bathroom talking to him like he was really there.”

“Oh shit…”

“Get professional help if you need it Billy, I love you and want you to sort your head out before I return.”

“Alex please…”

Alex stood up and grabbed a bag, he then kissed me on the cheek and walked out before I even had a chance to react. Fuck I couldn’t even follow him as all I wore was a fuckin towel, so instead I curled up like a baby and cried myself to sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

I thought things had gone well between myself and Billy, at least we’d managed to spend the night talking and had even arranged to do it again. Then the following week I even started to question myself and whether I was losing it, I would swear that I’d seen Billy when I was working and even leaving home with Fraser.

Also, all this uncertainty wasn’t helping my mood levels and I kept snapping at Fraser, the man had the patience of a saint but even he was starting to get pissed off with all of this now and that wasn’t good. A pissed off Mountie was bad news, especially for me when I have to live and work with the man.

“Ray you’re doing it again.”

“Doin what Frase?”

“Overthinking.”

“Frase I’m a fuckin detective and know when someone’s following me.”

“Understood Ray, you still need to calm down and deal with all this rationally.”

“So, what would ya suggest I do?”

“Investigate, talk to Alex and see if he knows anything. You could always check out the studio where he works and talk to him.”

“Yeah I guess.”

I tried a couple of times to get hold of Alex without any luck, in the end I decided to go and see Billy at the studio and just ask him outright. There were plenty of cars parked outside and people too, well I knew from Alex that the band were well known and had a rather large fanbase. I walked over to the main office door and walked in to find a security guard stood there, it was times like this that I could use my badge and pretty much get myself in anywhere I wanted. I’d explained that I was a cop and needed a word with the guitarist Billy Tallent, however, it appeared that I’d have to deal with someone else as it wasn’t Billy who came to talk to me.

“Hi I’m Hugh, what can I do for you?”

“I already told the guard that It was Billy I wanted to see.”

“He’s not here.”

“Ya gotta be kiddin me…So exactly who are you anyway?”

“I’m the lead singer of the band, and you are?”

“Ray Vecchio, look he’s not in any trouble or nothin.”

“So why do you want to see him?”

“He’s a friend okay, jeez what’s with all the questions?”

“I worry about him that’s all, especially as you’re the second person looking for him this week.”

“Who else was looking for him?”

“Called himself Alex, look all I can do is tell you the same thing I told him…”

“Whatcha say had better be the truth, that or I’ll clock ya.”

“Look I have no reason to lie to you, hell even we’re worried about Billy and want him back here where he belongs.”

“So ya haven’t seen him today?”

“We haven’t seen Billy for over a week now, he’s a damn good guitarist and we all like him.”

“Why do I get a feeling there’s a but in there somewhere.”

“Billy comes with a lot of baggage, shit how the hell do I say this without making him sound pathetic.”

“Just spit it out will ya.”

“Billy gets confused easily and has called me Joe on many occasions, hell he even claims that I look like him too.”

“So, a lotta people deal with shit, that doesn’t make him pathetic.”

“Look it doesn’t end there okay, he talks to himself and we hear him saying Joe a lot like he’s really there.”

“Shit I thought he’d got over that, I have to go and see if I can find him.”

I thanked Hugh and returned to my car and then called Alex once more, it rang a few times and then Alex finally answered it. Not that any of what I heard was good news though, it turned out that Alex had confronted Billy and it all got out of hand. So it would appear that Billy has lied about most things for a while now. Also, the man was still talking to Joe and that was what worried Alex the most, and to make it worse Billy was now at home with no one to watch him.

Alex had decided to go away for a few days hoping that Billy would come to his senses, apparently he’d threatened to leave for good if Billy didn’t sort his head out. I felt sorry for Billy as he couldn’t help the way he was, yet for now all I could do was return to Fraser and see how things played out. I walked in the door and realized my day was going to get even more shittier as it went along, shit Fraser’s face was a giveaway before he even opened his mouth.

“Okay I know that look, come on out with it Frase.”

“A detective Halloran called with regards to a case.”

“I’ve never heard of the man, what the hell does he want with me?”

“Apparently he wanted a couple of extra agents to do a stakeout, it’s Dewey’s case so you will be working with him.”

“Why me, just cut the mumbo jumbo Frase and give it to me straight. I work with you and Dewey already has a partner?”

“They wanted someone who would fit in if you were seen, you do fit in here Ray and are up on all the lingo of this country.”

“Shit I’ really gonna whack someone for this, so when is all this supposed to happen then.”

“You are to be outside the Night Beats nightclub by eight Ray, Dewey will meet you there.”

“Great, well I’m goin for a quick shower first.”

“I’m sorry Ray, look I know that we’d planned to spend the night together.”

“Hey it’s not yer fault Frase, I’ll go and then take it from there. Maybe if nothing happens I can get away early, and I haven’t pissed off Welsh this week so that might help.”

“I’d like that Ray.”

“Frase have ya seen my Chicago bulls tee shirt anywhere?”

“No I haven’t, do you know when you last wore it?”

“Hell Frase, do ya really expect me to remember shit like that?”

“It’s not that hard Ray, you seem to have a habit of losing your clothes lately too.”

“Hey it’s not my fault that they just disappear, ya don’t moan when we’re in bed Frase!”

“That’s a totally different scenario Ray, forgetting where you put your things can be dangerous in your line of work.”

“Shit Frase, ya make it sound like I’m gonna lose my gun or somethin…”

“All I’m asking is that you please be more careful Ray.”

“Yer unhinged Frase.”

“Maybe Ray, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you.”

“Yeah I know, I love you too Frase.”

Finally I went for a shower and felt somewhat better, once done I dressed and said goodbye to Fraser with the promise of something good later. All I had to do was convince Welsh to let me leave early, after all this wasn’t even my case or usual partner. Dewey spent most days taking the piss out of me, that or trying to annoy me until I lost it. Well I was already pissed as tonight was meant to be me and Fraser, so if he pissed me off I’d just kick him in the head.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d woke up to find myself still alone and it hurt so much, I guess it was a wake up call and it made me realize just how pathetic I am. It also made me realize that tonight was the perfect night to carry out my plans, I was sick of everyone using me and it was time to fight back before I went under again. Last time I had Joe; shit this time it was just me against the whole fuckin world.

I grabbed the specific clothes I wanted from the bottom of the closet where I’d hidden them, I didn’t have a choice as Alex would know they weren’t my usual style of clothing. Hell, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore once I was dressed and my hair was done. First there was one more thing that I had to do before I drove over to see Fraser, and that was something that would take me back into the past that I’d shared with Joe. I made a couple of quick calls and arranged to meet up with someone who was recommended to me by Pipe. I knew if anyone had contacts it would be him, even so it still took me ages to get off the phone as he wanted to talk about Joe and drag up the past once more.

I drove into a shitty part of Chicago and resented Ray even more now, hell at least the man got to carry a gun around and was fully licensed to use it. Oh, and let’s not forget about the Mountie that always followed him everywhere too. I bet that was another reason why Alex wanted Ray, knowing them they’d come as a fuckin joint package.

The alley I pulled into was dirty and part of me wanted to just turn around and drive back home, yet I knew I had to see this through if I wanted to prove myself to them all. I got out of the car and just stood there waiting until someone walked into the alley, at least I’d told them in advance what car I’d be arriving in and that was good. The man just walked straight towards me unafraid, well I guess this was his territory and he’d have his men hidden somewhere around here.

“You must be Billy?”

“Yeah I am.”

“Shit, you look different from what I was expecting.”

“Whatcha mean?”

“Well considering you’re a friend of Pipe’s, you also happen to be the guitarist of Hard Core Logo too.”

“Yeah well this isn’t how I usually dress, I just have to look different tonight that’s all.”

“Hey man you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I was just curious as Pipe says you’re in another band now.”

“Yeah I am, I guess there wasn’t much choice after Joe did what he did.”

“Yeah I heard about that as Pipe took that really bad back then, so what’s the new band called then?”

“The Headstones.”

“Cool I’ve heard of them, so what is it that I can do for you then?”

“I don’t really know.”

“Shit man I’ve got everything, you must know what sort of high you want?”

“It’s not for me okay, look this is hard to explain okay.”

“Try me.”

“I have to pretend to be someone else for a few hours, I need something that will impair the other persons' awareness.”

“Shit now I know why it was hard for you to explain.”

“Hey, I don’t want anything that’ll knock them out or hurt them.”

“Yeah I can give you something, slip it in a drink and they’ll feel drunk and somewhat out of it.”

“What are they?”

“Look do you want them or not, shit man it’s way too risky for me to be out in the open like this.”

“Yeah I want them, you can give me a few extra too as I might need them later myself.”

I slipped the pills into my pocket and got back into my car and then drove away, thankfully the roads were quiet as I pulled up near Fraser's place. First I wanted to check out my phone, as I was willing to call this off if Alex would listen to me and come home. Great, not one fuckin missed call from Alex or anyone else. Well I would try and ring him then and plead my case if that was what it took, the phone rang and rang until I gave up and threw it down on the passenger seat beside me.

I’d tried so hard and couldn’t do anymore, that was when I realized it was now or never and I had to do this before I chickened out. I hadn’t gone to all the trouble of stealing his clothes for nothing, hell I’d even managed to steal a spare key too. Deep down I knew I would have done this even if Alex hadn’t gone away and left me, all I wanted was to make things fair between myself and Ray.

Soon I was out of my car and stood outside the apartment door, I knew once I opened that door that I had to look and sound exactly like Ray and that it would be hard. Not much got past Fraser and I only had one chance; I knew things would only become easier once I’d managed to slip him the drugs. I’d no sooner stepped inside the apartment when I heard the shower and realized where Fraser was, hell I couldn’t have wished for this to go any better than it was.

I found some cans of beer in the fridge and opened it before dropping the pills inside, the hardest part would be getting Fraser to accept the fuckin drink. From what I knew the man rarely drank and might refuse to take it, well I decided to go into the bathroom and leave it on the counter for him, shit I jumped a fuckin mile when he spoke to me.

“Is that you Ray?”

“Yeah Frase.”

“I thought you had to work late.”

“Change of plan, turns out they don’t need me after all.”

“Well, it’s good to have you home Ray.”

“Likewise Frase, I’ve left a drink on the side for you as I thought we could relax and do something together.”

“Ray you know that I don’t like alcohol that much.”

“Frase just drink it for me.”

“Is there a special occasion, or something that I should know about Ray?”

“Ya remember what you told me the other night Frase.?”

“What would that be Ray?”

“The thing about how yer would let me tie you to the bed…”

“Ahh understood Ray.”

“Yeah so just drink it Frase.”

“As you wish Ray.”

“Oh and Frase…”

“Yes Ray.”

“Don’t bother getting dressed either, just have the drink and then go lay on the bed.”

“As you wish Ray.”

Fuck I had to get out of this bathroom and fast, for some reason I was feeling rather hot and didn’t think it was the effects of the shower either. That was why I returned to the kitchen and grabbed a beer for myself, I then literally downed it in seconds before returning to the bedroom to wait for Fraser. Not that I had to wait long at all though as soon he entered the room, he then took one look at me and from his eyes alone I could tell that the pills were already working.

“I see you found your tee shirt Ray.”

“What?”

“You were looking for that one before you left, now you just need to make sure you look after your things.”

“Yeah whatever.”

“Ray are you feeling unwell?”

“I’m okay Frase.”

“You look different and I’m unsure why.”

“Yer a freak Frase.”

“I may be Ray; I’m your freak though and only yours.”

“Lay on the bed for me Frase, oh and lose the towel will ya.”

“As you wish Ray.”

I watched Fraser as he did as I asked, I then started searching through all the draws looking for the cuffs I knew Ray kept in there somewhere. Finally, my search paid off and I had what I wanted, and now it was time to get this show on the road before I lost my nerve and totally fell apart. Hell, in all honesty I was starting to wonder if I’d lost it as I no longer seemed to know who I truly was anymore. Billy Tallent had died that night with Joe and deep down I knew that, oh I pretended to be him and kept up the act with the new band I was in.

“Ray, Ray, Ray talk to me.”

“What Frase?”

“I’m well aware that something is bothering you Ray, please tell me what it is so I can help you.”

“Yer unhinged Frase, look I’m gonna cuff you to the bed and then fuck yer brains out okay.”

“As you wish Ray.”

“Are we good Frase, look sometimes I just get a little lost okay?”

“Yes we’re still good Ray, can I ask that you do one thing for me though?”

“Whatcha want Frase?”

“Undress for me Ray.”

“Fine, let me cuff ya then I’ll undress.”

“Very well Ray.”

I wanted him cuffed so that he couldn’t go anywhere if he suspected I wasn’t Ray, I guess I was worried that he’d see my body and realize that I wasn’t his lover. Not that I had to worry though, by the time I was naked Fraser was as high as a kite. Shit now the man was even begging me to touch him, he’d become so desperate and all the little noises were really turning me on.

“Ray stop.”

“What?”

“Your arm, would you care to explain to me why it’s bandaged like that?”

“Jeez Frase, talk about spoiling the mood.”

“Ray please…”

“Okay, I banged it against a wall earlier and it’s a little bruised that’s all.”

“I’d like to see Ray.”

“After Frase, shit I’m kinda desperate here.”

I knelt beside him on the bed and then started pulling and twisting his nipples until they became hard, then I knelt over him and started sucking on them one at a time. Now I knew there was no going back and I couldn’t stop if I tried, I was so turned on right now and all rational thought had fled a long time ago.

“Ray please…Oh god!”

“Do you like that Fraser?”

“Oh yes, I need more though Ray.”

“Hold on then and I’ll see what I can do.”

“You seem so different tonight Ray and I can’t figure out why, my thought process seems to be somewhat off tonight.”

“Frase just relax and stop tryin to work me out.”

“I’m sorry Ray.”

“Yer a freak Frase.”

“So you say Ray.”

“Shit yer as sexy as fuck though underneath that uniform.”

“Ray you have seen me many times and don’t have to say things like that to turn me on.”

“Stubborn fuckin Mountie.”

“I’ve realized one of the things that’s different about you Ray.”

“Whatcha talkin about Frase?”

“You appear to be swearing far more than normal Ray, has something happened tonight that I don’t know about?”

I couldn’t deal with all the questions he kept asking me, shit so I had to act fast and get his mind off me and all my faults that were mine alone and not Ray’s. Okay well I knew how to fight dirty when the need arose and that’s what I did, I grabbed the tube of lube and applied a large amount to my fingers.

“You asked for this Frase, because right now I want to hear you moan and not talk all the time.”

I used a finger and pushed it deep inside him and felt around, then I decided to remove it and add two for good measure. Fraser was totally out of it now and making sexy noises, that was when I knew this had to move along or I’d end up coming far sooner than I planned. No way had I gone to all this trouble for it to be over in seconds, tonight I would make Fraser mine just to make Ray see how it feels.

“God I need you inside me now Ray, please I can’t wait…”

“Hold on Frase, shit I’m putting the rubber on as fast as I can here.”

“Walk are you talking about Ray?”

“Condom Frase, ya know what one of those is.”

“Ray I worry about you, why now when we’ve gone months without?”

“Just humor me Frase.”

Great that was a total major fuck up, how the hell could I have known that without asking and no way was I doing that. There were some things I could learn just by watching Ray and Fraser, yet I couldn’t know everything without hiding in their fuckin bedroom while they had sex. Shit I had to clear my mind and get a move on here, I started to roll the rubber on and heard a noise somewhere in the distance. Not that it mattered as I had what I wanted right here in front of me and the rest of the world could go to hell.

XXXXXXXXXX

I drove to the location and parked outside the nightclub to wait, it was then that I realized Dewey was nowhere in sight and I was on my own until he arrived. It didn’t help that I was extremely tired and pissed off with a lot of things right now too. I hadn’t bothered telling Fraser about the reoccurring nightmares that I was having about my past; it just didn’t seem fair to worry him with a burden that was mine alone.

The time I was kept prisoner was before I got with Fraser and it just didn’t seem right, also I was useless explaining my feelings or even talking about what they did to me. I’d admitted what I’d done to Alex and what went on between us, it was better though for all of us if Fraser believed that I’d got over it all. In the end I sat back in the seat and closed my eyes for a few moments, shit and then I realized that I was far more tired than I’d first thought.

Suddenly I was back in that basement once more and Antonio was there with me, the man was moaning at me and complaining about my behavior towards him. Shit what the hell did he expect when he was keeping me prisoner down here, apparently he hadn’t time to waste on the likes of me as he a had a family wedding to attend today. Then suddenly he was pulling my jacket off and it was freezing down here, well he did say that he’d remove my clothes one by one along with my fuckin soul and everything else.

I’m who I am and was never known for keeping my mouth shut and letting things go, shit even if the odds were stacked against me and I knew I’d lose. I knew that I’d really pissed him off as I could see the anger radiate from him, and now my only thought was to get as far away as possible from the man that sat so close to me.

I moved up the bed and hoped that he’d just fuck off to his wedding and leave me the hell alone, then suddenly he grabbed hold of my hand and refused to let it go. Within seconds he bent one of my fingers back and snapped it, and all I could do was howl in agonizing pain as the heat engulfed my hand and the pain was like nothing I’d felt before.

It was at that moment that I woke myself up screaming, shit I realized that it was just a nightmare and that I was safe and far away from Antonio Rossi. It took some time as I was totally on edge now and couldn’t relax at all, it had felt so real and it was as if I were actually there. Right now, I needed someone to talk to as I couldn’t do this on my own anymore, so I pulled out my mobile and decided to give Fraser a quick call.

The phone rang repeatedly and still I received no answer, I knew that Fraser was at home and presumed that he’d decided to go for a shower or something. Half an hour passed and my breathing had finally returned to normal, yet Fraser still wasn’t picking up and Dewey was still absent too. Fuck this, I would call Welsh and ask him where the hell Dewey was, someone would have to cover me here so that I could go and check up on Fraser. In the end I had to call three times before Welsh picked up his damn phone, and now I was more pissed off than I’d expected as images of the nightmare kept popping into my head.

“Welsh, can you tell me where Dewey got to?”

“It’s good to speak to you too detective.”

“Sorry, I really don’t wanna be here and Dewey’s asking for a kick in the head too.”

“Would you care to start from the beginning detective.”

“Yah know a stakeout needs more than one man, I didn’t wanna do this and it was put on me at the last minute.”

“Right now, I haven’t got a clue what you’re on about Ray, Dewey left hours ago as his shift was over. Also, would you care to tell me about this stakeout too as I know nothing about it.”

“I got told yer the one that authorized it.”

“Who told you that Detective?”

“Fraser had a call from a detective Halloran, apparently it was Dewey’s case and he needed some help.”

“Stay on the line detective and I’ll see what I can find out okay.”

“Yeah I ain’t goin anywhere, shit I need to know who I need to kick in the head as someone sure as hell deserves it.”

Welsh put me on hold and I had to listen to some shitty music while I waited for some answers, I would kill whoever set me up and thought this was a fuckin joke. A few minutes later Welsh was back on the phone and now I was totally losing it, someone was determined to make my life hell, that or they had a death wish.

“Ray you’re not gonna like this.”

“What is it?”

“It appears someone has sent you on a wild goose chase, I’ve no idea whether it was someone’s idea of a joke, that or someone really wants to piss you off.”

“What about this Detective Halloran?”

“There’s no such detective, also Dewey has no case’s open regarding that night club either.”

“So, I take it I’m free to go back home then Sir?”

“Yeah, look we can discuss this further tomorrow okay.”

“Yeah whatever.”

I drove fast and just wanted to get home and see Fraser, my head hurt now what with the nightmares and someone using me to play games with. Also, I’d tried calling Fraser yet again with no luck at all, I knew Fraser and no way would he go out for long without calling me to talk first and that didn’t sit well with me. I was normally good with my instincts and judgment, yet in all of this something just felt really off.

I turned the corner and straight away I noticed the car parked up near the curb, shit now I had to wonder what the hell Billy was doing here, then I remembered my call with Alex and how he told me he’d walked out on Billy until he sorted himself out. Maybe Billy felt lost and wanted someone to talk to about what was happening, after all Alex did say that he’d caught Billy talking to himself a lot lately.

I finally reached the apartment door and opened it slowly and as quiet as possible, I didn’t want to disturb them if they were talking about all Billy’s idiosyncrasies. That shit was more Fraser’s department than mine and with this headache I couldn’t listen to it all, I felt for Billy but it just wasn’t in my nature to deal with other people’s crap. However I had to admit that the silence had surprised me somewhat, then I noticed the living room along with the kitchen were both empty with no sign of either one of them.

I walked farther into the apartment and froze from the sounds I could hear coming from the bedroom, shit my blood ran cold when I realized that it was both Fraser and Billy that were in there together. In the space of a few seconds my mind tried to come up with all possible explanations, and deep down I knew there was only one way of finding out and that was to open the bedroom door.

I opened the bedroom door and froze where I stood, the sight before me was something I’d never expected to see with someone like Fraser. The man was my lover and soul mate, yet here he was restrained to the bed while Billy prepared to fuck him. Well at this moment in time I was prepared to kill both of them until Fraser spoke, it was at that moment I realized exactly what was going on here and who was to blame.

“Billy what are you doing here?”

“Frase it’s me Ray.”

“Ray, you can’t be Ray when he’s…Oh dear!”

I lunged at Billy and knocked him clean off the bed in temper, shit I couldn’t stop myself as I took advantage and punched him in the stomach.

“I swear to god I’m gonna fuckin kill you Billy.”

I realized at that moment that Billy was way thinner than me and not as strong, that made me start to wonder about Fraser and how he believed it was me in the first place. Shit this was a total mess and something really wasn’t adding up about the whole situation, and it was then that I noticed the bandage on Billy’s arm.

XXXXXXXXXX

Ray had pulled me off the bed and now I was on the floor and unable to move, the pain in my stomach was bad and I wanted to throw up. Shit then Ray was grabbing hold of my arm as he ripped the bandage away, there underneath was the unmarked skin and I could no longer hide it from Fraser or myself that I wasn’t Ray. No, I was just plain old Billy that everyone hated, and I could tell that at this moment in time Ray really wanted to hurt me.

Now Ray was grabbing hold of me by my hair and dragging me back towards the bed, he then shoved me down to my knees and punched me once more to make sure I stayed there. I wasn’t with it at all and didn’t even realize what he was doing until it was too late, the bastard had pulled out another set of cuffs and used them on me.

“Ray please…”

“Shit I don’t want to hear it Billy, I swear to god that I’m gonna punch ya right in the face!”

“I’m sorry.”

“What did ya do to Fraser, come on Frase get with it and talk to me.”

“He’s drugged, it was only a small amount so that he’d relax.”

“You’ve gotta be kiddin me, are you unhinged or somethin?”

I tried to crawl away from Ray and go hide in the corner, shit I knew I’d fucked up and was lucky to even be alive right now as Ray was losing it big time. I made it as far as the corner before the kick came, Ray booted me in the side and I fell to the floor screaming at him to leave me alone.

“I’m so fuckin sorry…”

Ray kicked me again and then grabbed his phone, now all I could do was sit here and wait as I heard him talking to Alex. Not that I liked what I was hearing at this end and could only imagine what Alex was saying in return, the man had walked out on me and Ray had no right to call him. Well I guess in some ways it could be worse, especially as Ray was threatening to arrest me and take me in.

“Alex will be here in twenty minutes to take ya home Billy, so if I were you I’d stay the fuck there and keep that trap of yours shut.”

“You won’t even let me explain will you?”

“Billy I saw with my own fuckin eyes, how the hell can ya explain any of that away. Ales is right and ya need help before ya do end up locked up or dead.”

“I wasn’t going to hurt him…”

“No, ya wanted to fuckin rape him.”

“He wanted it and you can’t say he didn’t…”

“I swear to god I’m gonna punch ya right in the face, Fraser wanted it because he was drugged and thought it was me.”

“Shit, look just let me go and I swear you’ll never see me again.”

“I can’t do that Billy; shit Alex would beat the crap outta me if I did that. Look I’ll remove the cuffs so you can dress and that’s it.”

“Gee thanks.”

Ray removed the cuffs and I pulled my underwear and jeans back on, shit it was then that I remembered the top was one of Ray’s and not my own. At first I just sat there looking at it and unsure what to do, then I nearly shit myself when Fraser came over and knelt down in front of me. I didn’t deserve or even want his pity, why should he bother after what I’d done to him and Ray.

“Billy please look at me.”

“I can’t…”

“Yes you can and I won’t leave until you do either, you at least owe me that much.”

Shit, I couldn’t believe he was going to make me do this, well maybe it was true and the man really was one hell of a stubborn Mountie after all. So, in the end I did as he asked and looked up, one look at the man and I started crying like a fuckin baby when I saw his face.

“You were never meant to get hurt Fraser, I just wanted Ray to feel how I do that’s all.”

“Get up and sit on the couch Billy, I just need a drink of water and then we can sit and talk.”

“It’ll be the drugs.”

“I don’t understand.”

“The drugs I gave you will have left you dehydrated.”

“Very well, please sit Billy and I’ll be back in a minute.”

I got up and sat on the couch as he’d asked, then all I could hear was him and Ray arguing about me and what they should do with me. Ray wanted to have me arrested and charged with assault amongst other things, Fraser was the opposite and said it would just make matters worse if they did that. Not that any off it mattered now as it had all gone to hell, they would never forgive me for this and I’d lost them both. Shit and then there were Alex too, how the hell would he want me now after this on top of everything else.

I sat there knowing I was fucked no matter what, I was also trapped and had no way of leaving here with the fuckin cuffs on either. That was when I remembered my little trip to the local drug dealer, and how I’d also bought some extra drugs for myself after all this was over with. Well it wasn’t easy getting my hand in my pocket with the cuffs on, however finally I managed it and pulled out a couple of LSD tabs. I placed them on my tongue knowing it wasn’t one of my brightest ideas, shit that was when I realized Ray and walked into the room and seen me take it.

“What the hell did ya take Billy?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Billy tell me now or else, shit are ya tryin to off yerself or somethin?”

“Shit it was just enough to get high Ray, I just want to be someplace else for a while that’s all.”

“Fuck this shit, I’m gonna call Alex again and see where he’s at.”

“You do that Ray, just be quiet and leave me alone as I have company.”

“What ya talkin bout Billy?”

“I need to talk to Joe.”

“Fuck this shit.”

Ray pulled out his phone and went into the kitchen, now it meant that I could talk to Joe in private and have a few laughs with him too. I was surprised to see him here actually, not that it mattered though as all that mattered was the fact he was here with me.

XXXXXXXXXX

This whole day was so fucked up and I couldn’t deal with this crap, Alex wasn’t answering his phone and Fraser refused to let me arrest Billy for what he’d done. Now that same said man was sat on my couch and was drugged out of his head, oh and also he was talking to his dead best friend too. Shit, I knew that I’d have to be rational and try to deal with all this mess, however to do that I would require the one thing I had none of. I wasn’t known for my patience and that was Fraser’s strong point not mine, also yelling at my lover wasn’t going to sort this fuck up out at all.

“Jesus Frase, this is fucked up along with that man sat in there on our couch…”

“He just needs some help Ray.”

“Yeah, ya can say that again, shit I’m gonna kick him in the head and just end this…”

“Ray you’ll do no such thing, just be patient and let Alex deal with him.”

“Are ya unhinged Frase, the man was about to fuckin rape ya!”

“Ray he’s sick, also I’m partly to blame and should have seen through him sooner.”

“Yeah right, get with it Fraser and accept the facts.”

“The facts as you see them Ray, not everything in life is black and white and easy to deal with. You knew that he had problems and you accepted that, I’m just glad that I never ended up cheating on you Ray or hurting you.”

“God listen to yerself Frase, none of this was your fault and I couldn’t blame ya if somethin had happened.”

“I love you so much Ray and want nothing to come between us, right now though I feel rather sick and just need to lay down.”

“It’ll be the drugs, just go to bed Frase and I’ll join you when Alex collects Billy.”

“Ray please don’t do anything stupid.”

“What do ya mean Frase?”

“I guess I’m scared you’ll hurt him as soon as I leave the room.”

“Jeez Frase, look I swear I won’t touch him.”

“Okay understood Ray.”

Fraser went into the bedroom and I just remained in the kitchen, right now I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Billy or even look at him either. The knock finally came and a sighed with relief that this would soon be over, I couldn’t help that Alex looked really rough though when I opened the door to him.

“What’s this all about Ray?”

“Billy, look I’m sorry that I had to call ya but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Hey, it’s okay Ray so stop worrying, just tell me where he is and I’ll deal with him.”

“He’s in the room talking to Joe.”

“What?”

“Yeah he thinks Joe is there with him, look he’s taken something like LSD or somethin and now he’s off his head.”

“So, was he high when he did this Ray?”

“No, I think he took the drugs to escape me and what I did to him.”

“For fucks sake just spit I out Ray.”

“I punched him a couple of times when I saw him there on the bed with Fraser, shit I just lost it and couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”

“Shit I really didn’t need this right now, I left him and told him to sort his head out before I came back and he does this.”

“I don’t think it was because ya left him Alex.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Billy had to have planned it a while ago, hell the man even managed to get in here and steal my clothes to use. Basically, he had it all planned out Alex, I even went to see him as I thought he was following me at work.”

“And was he?”

“I went to the studio but he wasn’t there, the singer told me that Billy hadn’t been there for a few days.”

“Yeah, Hugh told me the same thing.”

“I just don’t understand what happened and why now, Billy left Canada nearly a year ago and had got over Joe.”

“It’s hard to explain Ray, Billy lost Joe nearly two years ago and still won’t admit that the man has gone. He was doing so well for a while and I thought he’d moved on; he won’t let go because he blames himself for Joe’s death.”

“I thought the man committed suicide.”

“Yeah but Billy believes his actions caused Joe to do it, fuck and now he’s talking to him again and that makes it even worse.”

“Maybe ya should go and check on him.”

“Yeah I guess so, how’s Fraser doing in all this?”

“He seems to be taking it all in his stride, Billy would be locked up if it weren’t for Fraser though.”

“Would you really do that to him Ray?”

“At the time I would have, you can’t tell me ya would have liked it if it were your partner?”

“No and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that, however I don’t think it would do Billy any good if you took him in.”

“I can see that now; he needs help and ya need to see that he gets it Alex.”

“I will do.”

“Here’s the key for the cuffs.”

“You cuffed him?”

“I had no choice Alex.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I watched as Alex knelt down in front of Billy and looked at him, yet the man looked so vacant and it was as if Alex wasn’t even in the room with him. Then Billy started talking to Joe about an upcoming gig with Hard Core Logo, he was freaking me out and I was glad it was Alex who had to deal with the unstable man and not me.

I liked Billy and didn’t want to see him like this no matter what he’d done, I guess Fraser was starting to rub off on me somewhat and I was going soft in my old age. Soon Alex managed to get the cuffs off and get Billy to stand up, he then thanked me and told me he’d contact me soon and let me know what was happening with Billy.

XXXXXXXXXX

I was as high as a kite when Alex walked into the room and knelt in front of me, and he wouldn’t shut up despite the fact I wasn’t listening to a word he said to me. In the end I was glad to be leaving here and getting away from all that I’d done to hurt Ray and Fraser, ha despite I knew worse was to come from Alex and I couldn’t even blame him for it.

At the end of the day I’d brought all this upon myself, hell even the death of Joe was on my head too. I knew it was bad because Alex never even said a word to me on the journey home and that suited me fine, my head hurt and I was starting to gradually come down from the high I was on.

“Billy, are you even listening to me?”

“What?”

“I said we’re home, do you need any help or anything?”

“I’m not fuckin two ya know…”

“Sorry, look you need to get some sleep as it’s late.”

“What no big lecture on what a fuck up I am?”

“You can sleep Billy and then we’ll talk in the morning.”

We walked into the apartment and at first I just stood there watching Alex, part of me felt lost and unsure as to where he wanted me to spend the night. I just had a feeling that he’d want to be as far away from me as possible right now, after all he’d left to get away from me.

“Alex do you want me to sleep on the couch tonight?”

“Why, is that where you want to sleep Billy?”

“I just thought…God just forget it as I can’t even think straight.”

“You thought that I no longer want you didn’t you?”

“Yeah I guess so…”

“Billy I love you and already lost you once, that year of my life was hell and I missed you far more than you’ll ever know.”

“You walked out on me and I thought it was over.”

“Billy I just wanted to give you some space, also the lies weren’t helping either.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Look just tell me what you want Billy, do you want to share a bed with me or not?”

“Of course I do!”

“Good, we can go to bed and deal with all this tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait.”

Alex grabbed my hand and led me into the bedroom, deep down I was exhausted and just wanted to get some sleep before I faced my fucked up life and all my problems. I knew that Alex would know everything about tonight, shit I bet Ray took great pleasure in telling Alex too. Who knows, maybe Ray would be happy with me gone and then he could have both Fraser and Alex.”

“Billy your miles away again, look I’m here if you want to ask me something or need anything.”

“Alex, will you make love to me?”

“Shit Billy, I really wasn’t expecting that!”

“I’m sorry, look just forget I asked…”

“Billy I didn’t say no, I just said I wasn’t expecting it that’s all.”

“It’s okay, look we can just go straight to sleep if that’s what you want.”

“Billy just undress and get in bed will you?”

I stood there for a few seconds afraid to even move, then finally I undressed and climbed into the bed and lay at the very edge. I was scared that Alex would laugh at me and then just leave me here alone, shit then the tears came as he pulled me close and held me in his arms.

“I love you Billy.”

“I love you too, not that I know how you can love someone as fucked up as me.”

“Maybe I can show you, will you let me do that Billy?”

“Yeah…”

“Good just lay there and relax, I want you to feel what I can do to you Billy.”

Alex pulled me over so that I was now laying on my back, then suddenly his mouth was upon mine and I was lost in the moment. Alex put everything that he had into that kiss and I struggled to keep control of my emotions, I knew that this man wanted me and would do anything for me. Shit and all I did was treat him like shit and go behind his back.

Then I couldn’t think about anything anymore, especially as Alex had moved lower now and that talented mouth was now sucking my nipple. Shit I was rock hard and desperate with need, yet he just moved on to the other nipple and totally ignored my mumbled pleas. In the end I had to grab his hair and pull his head up, shit it was the only way that I could get his attention away from my nipples.

“Alex please…”

“What do you want Billy?”

“Shit, you know what I want.”

“Tell me Billy, I want to hear you say it.”

“Alex…”

“All you have to do is tell me what you want Billy.”

“Oh god please, shit I need you to make me come…Please Alex…”

“Okay just hang on a minute.”

“What…”

“Patience Billy.”

I lay back and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see Alex, I guess I had this deep down feeling that he was going to see me as I really am and leave. Fuck then suddenly I felt his fingers slip inside my ass, and no way was he taking it slow either. I knew that he was as desperate as I was and had very little patience, not that it bothered me as I just wanted him buried deep inside me.

“Alex…”

“Yeah, I’m with you Billy.”

“Just make me yours…”

“Billy you’ll always be mine no matter what I say or what happens.”

Suddenly Alex sat up and pulled my legs over his shoulders, oh god and then I felt him enter me far harder than he had for a while and I loved it. I was so fucking hard and would get off on anything he did to me, shit maybe Joe was right and I was nothing more than a fuckin slut. Well, that was something I’d deal with later when I could think straight, as now my only concern was to get some relief.

“Is this what you want Billy, do you want it fast and hard.”

“God yes…”

Alex pulled out and then slammed back into me hard and I was pushed over the edge, within a few seconds I came all over my stomach without even having to touch my cock at all. Then Alex soon followed and collapsed on top of me, shit my legs were still bent over his shoulders and I prayed that he didn’t fall asleep right where he was. Then I felt his cock slip from me and I felt all alone once more, it was at that moment I realized how much of a needy fuck I really am.

I guess everything had caught up with me and I must have fallen asleep at some point, as now it was morning and I found myself in the bed alone. I tried not to worry too much as I could hear Alex in the kitchen and I could smell coffee, so I pulled myself out of bed and quickly dressed before going to join him.

“Sit down Billy and I’ll get you a coffee.”

“Thanks.”

I sat at the table and waited, soon Alex brought over my coffee and then sat down at the opposite side of the table from me. Great I knew it was time for the hard part now, the kissing and making up was in the past and it was time to come clean about everything I’d done.

“So where do you want me to start Alex?”

“First I need to know why you keep lying to me Billy?”

“What?”

“I ask you things and you deny it all, even the stuff I know to be true.”

“I don’t mean to do it…”

“I thought Canada and Joe were dealt with, now we also have to deal with Ray and Fraser.”

“Maybe I never really dealt with it all, there does that make you feel superior Alex?”

“Billy I love you and I’m trying to help, I guess I can’t get my head around what you did to Fraser. Okay let me rephrase that, I can’t get my head around why you did it as he’s done nothing to you.”

“You wouldn’t understand Alex.”

“Then make me understand, shit you nearly fuckin raped the man Billy.”

“I’m well aware of what I did.”

“So why did you do it?”

“Because I know about you and Ray and what you did together.”

“Shit that’s ancient history Billy, also you knew about it and why it all happened like it did. I’ve always told you the truth Billy, so tell me the truth for a change.”

“The truth huh…”

“Yeah the truth Billy, how you were going to fuck with Fraser and destroy him just to get back at me.”

I closed my eyes and wished for all this to go away, shit this was me and destroying people seemed to be something I was really good at lately. God, then I wished that I hadn’t closed my eyes after all, especially when that voice popped into my head once more. You’re so fucked up Billiam, maybe it’s time to come clean and tell him all about me.

“Fuck off Joe…”

I heard the chair slide across the floor and Alex move, that was when I forced my eyes to open and look at the man who I’d just majorly pissed off yet again. Alex stood looking down at me and I didn’t like what I saw one bit, yet all I did was open my mouth and dig my own grave even deeper.

“What the fuck is going on in that head of yours Billy?”

“Ha, believe me you really wouldn’t want to know…”

“Are you actually trying to piss me off Billy?”

“Yeah well, it never takes much…”

Shit Alex moved fast and soon his hand was around my throat, then within seconds he slammed me hard against the wall and held me there. This scared the hell out of me as I’d never seen Alex like this before, oh I knew that he was capable when he worked but this was different. I knew that I’d pushed and pushed until he’d lost it, and now I was about to tear him apart with a truth he wouldn’t want to hear.

“Are you really ready for the truth Alex?”

“Just fuckin tell me Billy or else.”

I didn’t have to ask what he meant by the or else, especially as I could feel his grip tighten somewhat around my throat. Any sane person would walk away and keep their mouth shut, well maybe it was time to admit that I William Boisy had finally gone insane.

“I’ve lied to you since you found me in Canada Alex, hell actually I was lying to you long before that and even when we were together.”

“What are you talking about Billy?”

“Joe and me…”

“What about it?”

“Back on that reunion tour, Joe and I we…oh shit.”

“Tell me now Billy or else.”

“We slept together okay, I let him fuck me and I got off on it!”

“What…”

“Yeah we got naked in our room and he fucked me hard, shit and I never even gave you a second thought while he did it!”

Suddenly I felt the pain explode against my jaw and then I was on the floor, and Alex was knelt over me and raised his fist once more ready to hit me again. Then just as fast the hand dropped and he stood once more, and before I knew what was happening the door slammed and he was gone. As for me, well I waited a few minutes before even attempting to get up or check the damage to my face. Then once I did move it was only to grab some of my stuff, soon I was also out of the door and never even looked back.

XXXXXXXXXX

As soon as Alex and Billy were gone I moved, all I wanted was to go and check on Fraser and make sure that he was okay after all that had happened and the drugs. To my surprise he was still awake and sat up in the bed waiting for me, hell and the man was still even smiling despite all that had happened to him tonight.

“Ray, come to bed.”

“Shit how can ya be so calm with all this Frase?”

“We can’t change what has happened Ray, all we can do is deal with it all in our own way and move forward.”

“He nearly fuckin…shit, I can’t even bring myself to say it!”

“Ray can you at last come and sit over here with me?”

“Yeah, but don’t try changing the subject Frase…”

“I wouldn’t dream of it Ray; look I really don’t think his intention was to hurt me in any way at all.”

“So, what the fuck was his intention then, come on Frase answer that one?”

“I believe that he wanted to hurt you Ray, oh and possibly Alex too.”

“What the hell have I ever done to him, I was even trying to get along with him and do stuff?”

“I believe that Billy sees you as a threat Ray, maybe he believes that Alex would rather be with you. I guess he saw me as a way to even the score somewhat, just try not to be so harsh until we have all the facts and then we can deal with all of this.”

“Deal with it! Billy is out of our lives for good Frase and I mean that…”

“You can’t say that Ray when you don’t have all the facts.”

“He comes near ya again Frase and I’ll fuckin kill him, ya got that?”

“Oh dear, I can see there’s no reasoning with you when you’re like this Ray.”

“Reasoning with me, fuck yer the one that can’t see reason so don’t turn this around Frase.”

“Ray it’s late and I think we both should get some sleep, maybe things might look somewhat different come morning.”

“I doubt it.”

Even so, I removed all of my clothes and got into bed with Frase, then soon he held me in his arms and I realized just how much I loved and wanted to keep him in my life.

“Frase, can I ask ya just one question?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything Ray and I’ll answer you as honestly as I can.”

“Do ya really think I’m good looking, sometimes I get a little lost in my own head and can’t see why ya would that’s all.”

“Oh Ray, what do I say to that without you taking any offense?”

“Okay I get it Frase, I’m sorry that I don’t live up to yer standards.”

“Ray I never meant it like that, look I’ll try to explain but you might not see yourself the way I see you.”

“Whatever.”

“Ray your mine and I find you gorgeous, you also have so many endearing qualities about you that I love dearly too.”

“Yeah right!”

“Ray you’re loyal and honest, also you have so much charisma and energy that just naturally flows from you every day that I’m with you. As for your looks, I love the way you look Ray and wouldn’t want you to change at all.”

“What even with the experimental hair and all?”

“Ray I love it when you have all those spikes stood up looking so fierce, they make you look like you’re ready to take on the whole world single handed. Then there’s the times you have it all flat and look so young, you look so needy and I want to just hold you and keep you safe from the world if that makes any sense?”

“Shit I didn’t know you felt like that about me Frase…”

“Ray I love you and everything about you, I loved you back when you believed yourself to be straight and nothing will change that. You have to realize that Billy isn’t you Ray, you both have your own charm and expectations in life.”

“Yeah, I’m just a needy fuck who thinks the world’s out to get me.”

“I believe that is the one thing that you and Billy do share in common Ray.”

“What do ya mean.”

“I believe that Billy can come across as needy at times, and I think he also believes the world’s out to get him too.”

“So, your sayin I shouldn’t be so hard on him?”

“I’m just saying that you shouldn’t judge without the facts Ray, you as a detective should understand that.”

“Yeah true, fine I’ll call Alex in the morning and see how Billy is.”

“Thank you Ray for understanding.”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when your boyfriend’s a Mountie.”

“You love me really Ray.”

“Yeah I do, how ‘bout ya let me show ya just how much Frase.”

“Hmm, that sounds rather tempting Ray, as you wish then.”

“Yer such a freak Frase.”

“As you’ve said many times before, just remember that I’m your freak though Ray.”

“Too damn right!”

I soon found Fraser's warm mouth and soft pliant lips, then I was forcing my tongue deep inside that warm mouth and giving the kiss everything that I had. I just wanted to show him how much he meant to me, and that I couldn’t live without him and what we shared together.

Then I slowly moved my hand down his gorgeous body and wanted to make him happy, shit then I froze when I realized his cock was totally flaccid. Straight away I became the small needy Ray who thought I wasn’t good enough; shit I guess I really did have plenty of insecurity issues. I let go of him and moved away so fast, straight away Frase knew something was wrong and reached out for me.

“Ray please listen to me.”

“Just forget it Frase.”

“No, I won’t forget about it Ray, look you will hear me out whether you want to or not.”

I sat up in the bed and rubbed my eyes to hide the tears that were about to spill, how the hell could I have been stupid enough to believe that I was good enough for the likes of Fraser. Shit I was backed against the wall and there was no escaping Fraser as he grabbed my arms and pulled them away, then his fingers were ever so gentle as they wiped the tears away.

“What do I have to do or say to make you believe me Ray, this is so hard despite the fact I’ve never lied to you.”

“It’s me Frase so drop it will ya…”

“Ray it’s not you, Billy drugged me and the effects have yet to fully wear off. I don’t use drugs and never have so they seemed to have worked far more than one would expect, I seem to be rather incapable…”

“English Frase, just tell me how ya really feel!”

“Well, it is rather a delicate matter Ray, to have no control whatsoever over a certain part of one’s own anatomy.”

“Frase yer babbling.”

“Oh dear, look I’m trying to tell you that the drugs have caused this slight problem.”

“What problem?”

“They appear to have made me unable to perform.”

“Shit I get it now.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, I guess it was the relief of knowing that it wasn’t my fault and that maybe Frase really did love me.

“It’s not funny Ray.”

“Sorry, god I love you so much Frase despite your faults and all.”

“Look I’ll forgive you Ray under one condition.”

“And just what would that be?”

“You’ll let me hold you until we fall asleep.”

“You have a deal.”

It was no hardship as this was the way we slept every night anyway, deep down I had a feeling Fraser wanted to prove how he felt with regards to me. Well, I kept my word and remained there until morning came once more, now I knew the time had come to call Alex and try to sort out Billy and all his problems too. First though I would need a strong coffee and to clean up, finally I plucked up the courage to call Alex and pray that he’d sorted Billy out.

“Alex it’s me Ray.”

“I figured you’d call sooner or later Ray, so how are you and Fraser doing this morning after everything that happened?”

“We’re good, what about you and Billy. I guess I just wanna know ya dealt with everything and all’s good?”

“Billy’s not here Ray, we had words last night and I stormed out and found him gone when I returned.”

“I’m sure he’ll be back once ya both cool down.”

“I’m not sure if I even want him back now, shit there’s just one lie after another and I can’t take it anymore.”

“I take it ya mean about him talkin to Joe?”

“Shit it’s far worse than that Ray, stuff came out regarding the reunion tour he did with Joe too…”

“Such as, I ain’t no mind reader here Alex?”

“He admitted to sleeping with Joe…”

“Oh shit!”

“Worse was the way he told me, shit it was as if he really wanted to hurt me and make me hate him.”

“Maybe he thinks yer better off without him, so he gets ya to hate him and then he’s gone and can’t hurt ya anymore.”

“When did you become Mr logic Ray?”

“When I took Fraser as my partner, I mean it though Alex…look just give him a chance and see what happens, maybe he needs some sort of help like a shrink or somethin?”

“Maybe, what about you Ray?”

“What about me?”

“Did you ever get help after Antonio Rossi?”

“Not now Alex okay…”

“Sorry, look all I can do is see if he returns as I won’t push him.”

“Yeah okay, I’ll keep a look out while at work too.”

“I appreciate it Ray.”

I ended the call and just stood there with the phone in my hand, as suddenly my mind wandered to a place I really didn’t want to go right now or ever again. Shit just one mention of that man’s name and I caved like a small child having nightmares, it was the past and I had to deal with it instead of burying it all to deal with another day. I had Fraser now and there was no logical reason to even think about what had happened to me, shit maybe Alex was right and Billy wasn’t the only one in need of a shrink.

I put the phone back down and went into the bathroom as I had to be at work soon, also I was determined to help Alex find Billy and deal with this mess too. Alex was there for me and now I had to return the favor, and I also had to admit that I felt sorry for Billy too and I didn’t hate the man like I thought I would. I finally went to work and felt rather good despite everything, I guess I realized just how much of a positive effect Fraser had on me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d left the apartment and taken a cab to retrieve my car from Ray’s place, so now here I was with nothing more than my car and a small holdall with a few clothes inside. Well I guess I should be used to a life on the road by now, ha not that I could go far when I was the main guitarist in a band. For now though, I just wanted to lay low until the bruises had faded and I could face the world again, to try and forget about all this shit that always happened to me.

I was a fuck up and shit followed me so running wouldn’t help, yet I guess I’d never expected Alex to actually hit me like that. Even though I should have seen it coming after what I’d said to him about Joe and what we did, it was like I wanted to self destruct and destroy everything that I had. Shit, I had to think and get the hell away from here before Fraser or Ray left for work, not that I had many choices open to me here in Chicago. In the end I decided to head over to the studio and see who was there, I could always lay low and lie to Hugh about how I got the bruises.

To my surprise the place was locked and no one had arrived yet as it was still early, I had to admit that it felt good when I was here alone just playing my guitar. The guitar felt safe and was a huge part of who I was, shit then I became all depressed and realized I didn’t even like the person I’d become lately. So, in the end I shoved the guitar in the corner so it was out of sight, and I was still sat on the couch with my head in my hands when the band arrived.

“Your early Billy, did you piss the bed or somethin this morning?”

“Very funny…”

I lifted my head and decided to get this over with as fast as possible, yeah and Hugh saw the bruise straight away just as I’d suspected he would. Now though was the matter of whether he’d believe me, the last thing I wanted was everyone seeing me as some pathetic abuse victim. Oh god, that was when I realized I was actually a victim of abuse in a way, not that it was Alex’s fault at the end of the day though.

“Shit Billy…”

“Hey I’m okay, I guess it just looks worse than it is.”

“What happened Billy, hell should you even be here right now?”

“I went to a bar and had a few too many, I guess someone didn’t like my opinion that’s all.”

“Maybe you should go home for the day, I can give Alex a call if you want?”

“No, it’s got fuck all to do with him!”

“Billy, did Alex do this to you?”

“It wasn’t his fault, shit I pushed him and he lost it. I swear he never meant to do it…”

“Jesus Billy, do you know how many people blame themselves and it’s wrong.”

“Look I just need somewhere to crash for a couple of nights Hugh, I swear I’ll be okay after and it won’t change anything with regards to the band.”

“Calm down Billy, look you can stay at my place or just crash here if you want?”

“I’ll stay here then that way I’m not putting anyone out.”

“It’s your choice, look your family now and we take care of each other Billy.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“I’m always here too if you want to talk.”

“There’s not much to say really, I guess it was plain and simple jealousy that caused everything.”

“What Alex was jealous and hit you?”

“No it was me, shit I’m the fucked up one that got it in my head that he wanted someone else.”

“Hey, it happens.”

“Yeah maybe it does, but how many then sleep with their lovers’ friend to get even.”

“Oh shit, I guess that’s why Alex hit you then?”

“Partly, I also told him I slept with Joe when I was meant to be with him.”

“Billy have you ever thought about counseling at all?”

“Fuck not you too Hugh, I just need some time to deal with it all.”

“Fine I’ll back off, just remember that I’m here as we all are. You’re a valuable member of this band a brilliant guitarist Billy, shit I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you okay.”

“Okay, I swear I’ll be okay long before the tour starts.”

“Glad to hear it Billy.”

Hugh left me alone and went off to finish writing some lyrics, he must have spoken to the rest of the band as they left me alone and gave me some space. Music was my life and it also kept me sane, well reasonably sane anyway. Now I spent most of my time here working, that or just crashing on the couch until I could repeat it all over again.

The band had a huge tour in a couple of months and I had to be ready for it, I was after all the most recent member to the band and had a lot to prove to them all. Even the fans too, as many fans didn’t like it when a long standing member left the band. I guess I was thankful that I wasn’t unknown to the music industry as that helped, and most people knew about Hard Core Logo because of what Joe had done.

I guess I wanted to be known in my own rights too, not just seen as Joe’s bitch. Oh, I heard all about the rumors that went around regarding myself and Joe, most people talked behind your back and couldn’t say anything when you were there. Not that any of that mattered to me now, I had made sure I was open right from the start regarding my sexuality, all the band members and fans were well aware that I was gay and in a relationship with another man.

Now that was over though and I had to deal with it all, I knew the depression was getting worse and I had to pull myself together. I also had to get out of here for a few hours a day too or go mad, that was why I started walking to the local coffee shop each day. It wasn’t like I needed the exercise or anything, shit everyone always complained that I was too thin to start with.

I grabbed the coffee to go and took the scenic route back to the studio, the fresh air hadn’t done much to clear my head and I still felt depressed with everything, it didn’t help that I’d lost far more than just Alex when I walked away from everything. I’d lost the chance of having Fraser and Ray as friends too. Finally I reached the studio and stood outside in the sun, that was when I noticed a flash car pull up and someone open the window.

I guess you got used to all the flash cars around here, people were always trying to get you to sign up to them. That or some rich kid wanted to personally meet you and get your autograph, not that I was in the mood to deal with anyone today. I still watched though as the driver got out and called me over to the car, he then said that his boss wanted a word with me and opened the rear door. Shit then something went over my mouth and I was forced into the car, the bloke in the car managed to say one sentence before I passed out, yet it wasn’t Billy that he called me.

“It’s good to see you again Ray!”

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d arrived at work in good time and for once I was glad to be here, Fraser was sat opposite ad sorting out the many reports that I should have finished weeks ago. Welsh had already warned me that I was on desk duty until I caught up, apparently reports were an equal part of a detective’s job and had to be done whether I liked it or not. Well at least I was lucky and Fraser was really good and fast, come dinner time most were done and we were even planning to go grab some lunch somewhere.

I just wanted to get some fresh air and get away from here, I guess after a few hours the noise was starting to get on my nerves. Also, I’d have to see if I could help Alex while at work too, then on return to the station Welsh cornered me and said he wanted a quick word.

“What is it, I’ve behaved and even done most of yer reports…”

“Calm down detective.”

“Come on don’t keep me hanging.”

“Someone called by the name of Hugh and asked if you’d call him back as soon as possible.”

“Did he say anything else?”

“Said it was regarding someone called Billy Tallent.”

“Great what the hell now?”

“Well I suggest you make the call detective and then you’ll find out.”

Welsh passed me a small piece of paper with a number on, I then went to let Fraser know that I was going outside to give Hugh a call and find out what the hell was going on. Shit three times and no one picked up at the other end, I was starting to think that it couldn’t be that important after all and then I remembered what Hugh did for a living. Chances are they were recording and no one had heard the phone, so I made up my mind and would drive over there and talk to him in person.

I knew that I should have told Fraser where I was going, however I saw no danger and it was only to talk to someone so I’d be safe enough. I also figured Welsh would collar me if I went back inside, it wasn’t like I’d finished the damn reports he so badly wanted.

Fifteen minutes later I pulled up outside, well at least there were plenty of cars here so that meant Hugh could still be here too. Right in the corner I noticed Billy’s car, ha figures the man would come and hide out here away from everyone else. Soon I found Hugh and shook his hand, then he told me all about Billy and the reason he’d called me.

“What can I do for ya Hugh?”

“Look it might be nothing, also I figured it was best to call you as you know Billy and might have some answers.”

“Go on then.”

“Billy’s slept here for the past few days, some problems at home I believe. Look I try not to ask too much, he’s a good man despite having his own problems to deal with.”

“I have an idea what happened so go on…”

“He went out at some point to get a coffee and stood outside drinking it, he was needed in the studio and should have come in a few minutes after me.”

“Yeah well Billy has a habit of doin as he pleases, the man can be a real pain in the ass at times so I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“Yeah I thought that at first, however Billy’s dedicated to his music and this band now. Also, he’s well known now and there’s a fair few crazies out there, hell even some of the fans can get a bit too close.”

“From what I gather Billy’s dedication can waver if something better comes along.”

“Yeah well I ran all the scenarios through my head and nothing added up, especially as his cars still out there. So, I decided to check the security camera and see which way he went.”

“And…”

“I think you should take a look for yourself.”

“Okay lead the way.”

Hugh led me into a small office with a desk and a monitor, he then sat down and rewound the security tape to the spot he wanted then pressed play. The tape started with Billy stood there drinking his coffee, shit the bruise on his face stood out a mile and it must have hurt like hell when Alex hit him. Yeah right, I bet it hurt him far more emotionally than it did physically.

The tape played and then a black car stopped close by and the driver got out, soon he led Billy over towards the rear passenger door and opened it. I was a detective and knew straight away that Billy wasn’t going willingly, and then all I could do was watch in horror as he collapsed and was shoved into the car.

“Have you any idea who would want to do that?”

“None at all.”

“Shit they fuckin drugged him and forced him in the car…”

“Yeah well keep watching as it might be easier than you think Ray, when the car pulls out the license plate becomes fully visible.”

“Oh shit…”

I watched the tape and suddenly I felt really sick and light headed, the license plate was a private plate and read Russo1. Now I knew that I was way out of my depth and that it was Antonio that had Billy, also he would think that Billy was me. I made a call to the station and was put through to Franny, I then asked her to get me all of Russo’s know business addresses and his home one too. Then I thought about Fraser and how this would piss him off, that was when I also asked Franny to keep her mouth shut and tell Fraser nothing with regards to this call.

“I have to go Hugh.”

“Do you know who took him, shit will he be alright?”

“Calm down, look I’ll find him and call you as soon as I can okay.”

“Yeah okay, just don’t let anything else happen to him as it might push him over the edge.”

Soon I was in the car and started my engine, then I wondered whether this would also push me over the edge too along with Billy. I’d come to realize that we were as fucked up as each other, also I didn’t want to see Russo do to him what he’d done to me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I came around and had one hell of a headache, shit I never used to feel like this even after getting high. I felt sick and didn’t even want to open my eyes at first, but shit I knew I had to see where I was and who it was that had me. I remembered the car and the driver shoving me inside, shit then I remembered that the man called me Ray instead of Billy.

Okay I opened my eyes and looked around the room to see where I was, at the same time I racked my brain thinking about Ray and who it was that held him prisoner. No way did I want to drop him in it or even claim to know the man at all, then again that could be hard when I noticed the man sat opposite me. I went to move and realized my arm was cuffed to the fuckin chair, well so much for escape.

“It’s good to see you again Ray.”

“Who are you and what the fuck do you want?”

“You know who I am Ray.”

“I’m not Ray, my name’s Billy okay.”

“You don’t fool me one bit Ray.”

“Fuck you!”

“Language, or would you like another lesson in behavior?”

“I don’t know what your talkin about…”

“Maybe my plan did work and you suffered far worse than I thought, that or maybe Alex did something to you before he dumped you on the streets.”

“Shit you need help; look I’m not Ray and I don’t know anyone called Ray.”

“Okay so say I believe you, tell me about yourself then and who you really are.”

I looked at him and tried to weigh up my options, Alex had told me plenty and I was hoping I could bluff my way out of this mess. I knew that Alex was meant to drug Ray up and just dump him out on the streets, Antonio had wanted to ruin his life and turn him into a druggie that had to live on the streets. Okay I would have to work that angle and see where it led me, out of here would be great.

“My name’s Billy Boisy and I play a guitar to get money for shit.”

“Such as?”

“I’m a fuckin druggie okay, I make music so that I can get high and out of my head okay. I have issues and can’t remember shit from day to day, so I don’t know you and if we’ve met I don’t remember…”

I watched as the man weighed everything up, then he started laughing and it gave me the creeps. The man got off thinking that he’d fucked Ray over and ruined his life, well hopefully he might see no reason to keep me here and would let me go. Things were starting to look hopeful until the office door flew wide open, shit that was when I looked up and saw Ray stood there with his gun pointed at Antonio.

“Let him go Antonio as this is between me and you.”

“Ah it’s so good to see the real Ray Vecchio, I also see that you still carry a badge too.”

“Yeah no thanks to you and what you did to me.”

Just then another man entered and pressed a gun against Ray’s temple, then his other hand went in front of Ray and grabbed the gun that he held there. Shit it was all starting to fall apart and I had to pray that Fraser was here somewhere too, then suddenly Antonio was out of his chair and went over to where Ray was stood. Shit I was restrained and could do fuck all as the man grabbed hold of Ray and slammed him against the wall, all I could do was watch as Ray slumped down at Antonio’s feet.

“Take Ray here downstairs.”

“Yes boss, what about the other one?”

“See to Ray first, afterward you can take Billy outside and teach him a lesson with regards to lying.”

“I’m on it.”

I had to sit here as the man dragged Ray from the room, soon though he returned and now it was my turn to see what they had planned for me. The man came over and removed the cuffs before pulling me up from the chair, I thought about fighting him until I saw the gun in his hand. Once outside the man punched me in the stomach and kicked me when I fell to the ground.

I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the next blow, however it never came and I looked up to see Fraser disarming the man. Within seconds the man was flat out with his hands tied together, then it took me a few seconds to realize Fraser was talking to me.

“Billy where’s Ray?”

“Inside, they took him downstairs. Shit this is all my fault and I fuck everything up.”

“Billy none if this is your fault, Antonio would have mistaken you for Ray that’s all. Look stay here and I’ll be back once I have Ray, time is of the essence Billy and I must go to him now.”

“Fraser…”

“What is it Billy.?”

“Look I’m sorry…please just get Ray out before they hurt him okay.”

“That is my intention Billy.”

With that Fraser was gone and I was sat here all alone, it gave me plenty of time to think about what I’d done and how badly I fucked everything up too. I lost all concept of time and had no idea how long I’d sat here waiting for them to return, then they exited the building and I realized that Ray wasn’t going to walk away from this without suffering. One look at him and I could see all the cuts and bruises on his face, then to think it could be far worse judging by the way the man walked.

Ray had suffered so much and it was wrong to blame him for my own insecurities, maybe it was time I dealt with Alex and moved on so they could all get on with their lives in peace.

“Billy are you ready to leave?”

“Yeah, do you want me to drive?”

“Are you up to it Billy, as Ray wouldn’t want anything to happen to his precious car?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Very well, I will take over once we drop you off at your apartment.”

“What about Ray, does he need a hospital or something.”

“He will be okay and I will look after him.”

I tried to concentrate on my driving and getting us far away from here, also I’d have to think about Alex and what I’d say to him. I glanced in the rear view mirror and watched how Fraser was so gentle and loving with Ray, and to think I nearly destroyed what the two of them had together.

“I don’t hate either of you Fraser…”

“I know Billy, but you really need to get some help before you push everyone away.”

“No point as it always happens sooner or later, I’m just glad that you were on the case with Ray and found us both.”

“I’m afraid that Ray went off on his own to rescue you Billy and I was totally unaware of his actions.”

“So how did you find us then?”

“Ray asked for an address at the station and made Frannie swear not to tell me where he was going, thankfully she had the common sense to tell me where he was going and that he might need my help.”

“Yeah well you can thank her from me.”

“I’ll be sure to do that Billy, also I will deal with Ray myself as soon as he is well enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“What he did was totally reckless and he risked both your lives without calling for back up.”

“Don’ lay hell into him, shit at the end of the day he had his reasons.”

“I’m sure he did, however at this juncture we don’t need to go into that.”

God in some ways I felt sorry for Ray, even if he did rush in without giving his own safety any thought. Finally we pulled up outside the apartment and I got out, I was surprised when Fraser actually hugged me before claiming the driving seat.

“We will talk soon Billy.”

“Yeah if you say so.”

“I do, now go rest and get yourself sorted out.”

“Yeah whatever.”

Nothing really mattered as chances are I wouldn’t see either of them again, especially once I’ve finished my talk with Alex and told him where he stands in all of this. Ha, he would most likely be glad to see the back of me after all the shit I’ve caused, and he pretty much made his feelings clear the day he hit me.

I still had my key and used it to enter, straight away I was met with nothing but silence and that pleased me. I guess it meant I could grab the rest of my stuff before Alex returned home, I still loved the man and figured leaving a note would be far easier to do.

It didn’t take me too long as most of the main stuff belonged to Alex anyway, maybe this time I could rent somewhere of my own instead of putting Hugh out all the time and taking over the studio. I would just deal with everything as it came, and one step at a time would have to do. I grabbed my bag and walked into the room to find Alex stood there, got the man could move so silently and was always creeping around.

“You going somewhere Billy?”

“Yeah, it’s best that I do.”

“I’ve just had a long conversation with Fraser and he told me what happened.”

“Yeah well, you don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

“God I love you Billy, shit did you really think that I wouldn’t care if something happened to you?”

“Yeah well, it looked that way after the last time we were together.”

“I should never have lost my temper Billy, shit you just hurt me so much and kept on pushing until I snapped. It hurt so much to realize I didn’t even matter to you, everything you said about Joe and what went on in Canada.”

“Yeah I know what I said and I’m sorry, that’s the reason I should leave now Alex and move on.”

“Billy I don’t want you to go, all I want is for you to stay and get some help. Look I’ll even make up the spare bedroom if that’s what you want, at least I know you’ll be safe and that’s all that matters.”

“It won’t work until you can accept that Joe was part of my life.”

“I can accept that Billy, you just need to get help so you can let him go.”

“So, you think I’m crazy or something?”

“I never said that Billy, look I’m going to the liquor store as I need a drink.”

“Alex…”

“I’m not having this discussion now Billy, only you can decide if I’m worth staying for and worth the hassle of getting help.”

All I could do was watch as Alex walked out of the door, shit could I really be so pig headed and risk losing everything I had because I heard voices in my head. It wasn’t as if I even liked my life alone, in the end I just sank down on the couch and waited for Alex to return.

XXXXXXXXXX

I opened my eyes and realized that I was back home and on the couch, and that wasn’t the only thing I realized either. My whole body ached as I tried to move, and to top it off Fraser was putting some disgusting smelly crap on me once more.

“Ray please try and lay still until I’ve finished.”

“Shit what happened?”

“What do you remember Ray?”

“Antonio beat the crap out of me, shit what about Billy, is he okay Fraser?”

“Billy’s in far better shape than you appear to be Ray.”

“Thank god…”

“Ray you could died in there along with Billy, what you did was totally reckless and…”

“Frase not now okay.”

“I’m sorry Ray, however I will not let this go and we will discuss your behavior.”

“Great now I feel about five years old!”

“Well, maybe you should after the way you behaved.”

“Yeah well you can punish me anytime Frase…”

“Ray this is serious, look just rest and I’ll be back shortly.”

“Where are ya goin Frase, don’t go and leave me hangin like this!”

“I need to have a word with Lieutenant Welsh and appraise him of the situation, also I can take Diefenbaker at the same time as he could do with the exercise.”

“Yeah okay, Frase can I ya something?”

“You know that you can ask me anything Ray.”

“How did ya know where I was?”

“Frannie told me that you were asking about Antonio Russo, I know how impatient you are Ray and that you’d go in alone.”

“Yeah I guess it’s who I am.”

“Yes, you appear to act with very little thought to yourself Ray and that scares me, please try and remember that you’re not alone anymore.”

“I’ll try.”

“Very well, I will be back shortly Ray and we can have that talk.”

“Great I can’t wait.”

“Ray…”

“Just go Frase.”

Frase left and for a while I just lay here thinking about what I’d done, yeah I get no thanks at all for trying to save Billy from Russo and what he might have done. I also had a feeling that Fraser wasn’t planning to go lightly on me either, it was right there and then that I realized I was falling apart. I suffered the nightmares most nights without telling anyone, and I also refused to talk about what had happened to me back then.

I guess I never saw the point in dwelling on shit and repeating myself, I’d told Fraser at the beginning and that should have been enough. Also, I’d seen plenty of shrinks in the past to know they were all full of shit too, yet chances are Welsh would order me to see one when Fraser tells him what happened today.

Then there was Antonio himself, the man was as slippery as an eel and would be free within minutes of his arrest. Not that it mattered as he had many people work for him, so if he wanted me dead it would happen sooner or later no matter what I did.

Fuck this, I managed to pull myself up from the couch and stagger towards the kitchen. Once there I soon found the vodka that I kept at the back of the cupboard, it was just a couple of drinks to ease the pain that my mind and body were suffering from. Soon I started to relax and rested my head on my arms, the table was far from comfortable but I was far too tired to move now.

I found myself restrained and back in that cold basement with Antonio, I couldn’t fight him no matter how badly he hurt me and made me suffer. I was always a fighter and suddenly I was reduced to nothing and couldn’t even fight back, I was the victim once more despite my claims of it never happening again. Then it was Alex that was in the room with me and abusing me, yet all I wanted were the drugs so that I could escape and get away from them all and the pain. Then I started screaming as a hand came down upon my shoulder, it was only when I opened my eyes that I saw Fraser stood near the table looking down at me.

“Ray it’s me Fraser, come on your safe and no one can touch you now.”

“Frase you came back.”

“Of course I came back Ray.”

“Thought ya wouldn’t come back.”

“Why would you think that Ray?”

“Things get all messed up in my head at times…”

“I’m not surprised Ray, especially as you appear to be drinking once again.”

“I had a couple Frase, ya know it was just medical and all.”

“Ray please don’t lie to me or treat me like I’m stupid.”

“I’d never do that Frase…”

“Ray the bottle was full when it was put away, now it appears to be nearly empty.”

“Just drop it Frase okay, fuck off if ya don’t like the way I am.”

“Is that what you really want Ray?”

“Fuck I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Ray do you love me?”

“Of course I do Frase, shit I sometimes wonder what the hell you see in me though.”

“Ray I love you with my whole heart, you’re a wonderful person and I get to see the side that you try to hide from the world. You’re intelligent and thoughtful Ray and would do anything to help others, you just need to think about yourself in all of this too.”

“I’m an idiot, so what’s new.”

“You are no idiot Ray, maybe a bit confused at times and you struggle to deal with your emotions…”

“Yeah, I get it Frase.”

“Look come to bed and we can have that talk tomorrow, I just want to hold you in my arms Ray and know that you’re safe here with me.”

“Sounds good, not so sure if I can stand though.”

“I’ll help you Ray; it would be my pleasure to undress you and put you to bed.”

“Yer a freak Frase however I wouldn’t cope without ya, god I love you.”

“As I do you Ray, come on then let’s get moving.”

Fraser led me into the bedroom and helped me lay down, then the man seemed to take great pleasure in removing all my clothing. My body hurt when Fraser first held me in his arms, I soon moved and made myself as comfortable as was possible under the circumstances. I loved Fraser so much and this felt right, this was safe and I felt at home in his arms.

XXXXXXXXXX

Deep down I knew that I was the reason why Alex had gone out; the drink was partly just an excuse and he wanted me to decide if I had anything here worth hanging around for. I had no idea how long I remained sat on the couch that night until sleep finally claimed me, then morning came and Alex still hadn’t returned.

I felt lost but figured he was testing me to see what I’d do without him here, I guess he wanted to see if I even missed him when he wasn’t around. Oh, I missed him alright and realized just how much I loved and missed him, and if this was some sort of test I had to pass it so he’d return and I wouldn’t be alone anymore.

I decided my best bet was to go to work as normal, I could put in some hours at the studio to make up for the trouble I’d caused Hugh. Especially as it was his quick thinking that had made him call Ray in the first place, in some ways I wanted to hug the man and thank him for everything he’d done for me. Shit, then that made me think of Joe once more, who had actually remained silent since all of this happened.

Maybe everyone was right and they were just voices in my head all along, and I could hope that I was finally stable enough to get my head on track along with my life. Fuck then I remembered that I’d drove Rays car back and mine was still at the studio, well I guess arriving at work late was far better than not arriving at all. Still I hadn’t expected the welcome I received from Hugh, he came and hugged me and I realized they were part of my family too.

I had everything here that I could possibly want, everyone had put themselves out to help and protect me. That was why I spend most of my time thinking, I’d only spoken to Fraser when I drove us back from Antonio’s. Oh, and then there was Ray, the man who’d risked his own life and faced Antonio to protect me. I’d have to think of a way to make it up to both of them, also I owed them a proper apology too.

The day went rather fast and I enjoyed the company, we also managed to get a few tracks recorded for our new album and that was good. To top it off I could drive home in my own car and call for take out on the way home, I grabbed a couple of pizzas to go and hoped that Alex was hungry.

I’d arrived home to find it still empty, nothing had even moved and it was obvious that no one had even been here. It was nearly twenty four hours now since he left, well I would call his mobile and if I looked needy so be it as I wanted to hear his voice. Shit I got to hear his voice alright, three times and still all I got was his god damn answering machine.

In the end I sat at the kitchen table and stared at the food in front of me, I’d barely ate anything all day and just the thought of food made me want to throw up. After an hour or so I finally decided to move, and my first job was to throw all the cold pizza into the bin. Finally I went to bed and just lay there alone, the bed felt alien to me without Alex here to hold me and keep me safe

I knew tomorrow would just be the same as today unless Alex came back, get up and repeat my shitty fuckin life that never went right no matter how hard I tried. Couldn’t he see that this had gone on long enough and he’d made his point, yet I felt like he was staying away just so he could punish me even farther.

Sleep was in no hurry to free me from the pain I felt in my heart, it was as if someone was tearing it from my body and I had nothing left to carry on with. That night I grabbed Alex’s pillow and held it tight in my arms, maybe it was time to accept the fact I’d always be alone and wasn’t worth the hassle. Morning finally came and I felt exhausted like I hadn’t even slept, hell maybe I hadn’t as the nightmares kept waking me up repeatedly. Not that it mattered, it would be another day where I smiled and pretended that everything was so fuckin perfect.

I tried Alex’s mobile four more times without any luck, I’d even left plenty of messages telling him to call me as I were worried about him. I just wanted to know he was okay that’s all, even if he didn’t want to talk to me afterward. I didn’t think that was too much to ask, but who the hell was I to truly understand anything.

That was why I just spent the day doing what I did best, I went to work and played my guitar while staying away from everyone that I could hurt. Hugh tried to talk to me and couldn’t understand why I was in a mood yet again, how could I tell them that it was me and I was the fuck up around here. In some ways I was glad when the day finally ended and I was on my way home, well that was until I walked into an empty apartment once more.

I was starting to wonder about my future and whether Alex really wanted me here, maybe he was out there waiting for me to cave in and leave once more. I guess that way he wouldn’t feel guilty for making me go, at the end of the day I really didn’t have anything to give or offer anyone.

I decided to give it one more night and then I’d give Ray a call, maybe he knew where Alex had gone or could help me find him. First, though I would have to apologize for what I’d done to them, oh and then thank them both for saving my sorry ass.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fraser had kept his word and behaved like the Mountie that he was, the talk had come the next day and he was far from gentle on me as he had his say. Afterward, I felt like a small child that had no say in anything, especially when Fraser refused to listen to me with regards to his behavior. I’d lost count of the times he’d charged in and put his own life at risk, and it was still something that he did despite the fact we’re now a couple.

Now it would appear that the time had arrived for the silent treatment, just ignore Ray and he might accept things and apologize for his ways. Yeah well, I wasn’t the type to give in that easy, I could be one hell of a stubborn bastard once I put my mind to it.

It was now two days ago since I got Billy out and nothing between myself and Fraser had changed, well tomorrow I would be going back to work and Fraser could go to the consulate so we’d both have some time to think. Shit I was miles away and only looked up when I realized Fraser said something to me, it was also then that I noticed he had the phone in his hand.

“Billy would like to speak with you Ray, he says it’s with regards to Alex.”

“Great, I hope they’ve sorted out their differences and Alex hasn’t hit him again.”

“What? Surely Alex wouldn’t…”

“Later Frase.”

“Very well, as you wish Ray.”

I really wasn’t ready to start talking about Alex and Billy with Fraser, especially as we couldn’t even sort ourselves out. Yet I knew Fraser and he would see it as his duty, to me it was just interfering and wouldn’t help them. Fraser just handed me the phone and then walked away without saying another word, that was when I knew that nothing I said would change his mind about what I did.

“What’s up Billy, yer not in any trouble are ya?”

“No nothing like that, shit I shouldn’t really be bothering you again as you owe me nothing at all and…”

“Jeez Billy take a breather, cut the mumbo jumbo and just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Really, shit I owe you and Frase so much and its…”

“Billy yer doin it again, just spit it out would ya?”

“It’s Alex, he left two days ago and he hasn’t come back.”

“Did ya argue or somethin Billy?”

“He went to get some alcohol and never came back.”

“Billy where are ya right now?”

“Driving around, I don’t even know where to start looking.”

“Look drive over here and we can go look together.”

“You mean it?”

“Yeah, Billy so get that backside over here now.”

I sat back on the couch and tried to clear my head that was now aching, when Billy arrived he’d have to be open and tell me everything that happened when he arrived back home that night. Only then would I be willing to deal with it all and help him, Chicago was huge and driving around for weeks might not even help locate the man.

“Ray.”

“Yeah, what is it Frase?”

“Don’t forget that we still have our own issues to deal with?”

“I’m well aware of that.”

“Would you like me to leave once Billy arrives?”

“Shit Frase… we’re partners so why would I want ya to leave?”

“Sorry I just thought it would be for the best.”

“Frase all you have to do is admit I’m right.”

“I don’t understand Ray.”

“Look I’m sick of all this shit, just admit that I’m right or I’ll pop ya in the head.”

“Oh very mature Ray, so you will resort to violence if you don’t get your own way!”

Saved by the knock at the door, shit I could have kissed Billy for arriving when he did and saving me from Fraser. Even so, I’d no sooner let Billy in when Fraser pushed past me and called Dief.

“Where are ya goin Frase?”

“I’m taking Dief for a walk Ray, that way you can’t accuse me of interfering and telling you what to do.”

“Fuck and you call me immature.”

“Language Ray.”

“Fuck you.”

I couldn’t help myself as I slammed the door behind Frase, now I was in a pissed off mood and still had to go and deal with Billy. First I made him tell me everything that had happened between him and Alex., also make him understand that Fraser’s problem was with me and not him. Billy was far more insecure with things than I was, also it didn’t help because we still couldn’t find Alex.

It was a Friday night and a lot of places weren’t even answering their phones, in the end I had to tell Billy that I’d pick him up in the morning and we could try a few of the bars and hospitals. I knew I’d have more luck with it face to face rather than over a phone, also I could flash my badge should the need arise.

Billy left and it was another two hours before Fraser decided to show back up, at least the time had allowed me to accept the facts and I knew we were both in the wrong. I guess seeing Billy like that really scared the hell out of me and I knew I wouldn’t cope if that were me, we had to deal with this thing before it became bigger than both of us.

“Frase I think we need to talk.”

“As do I Ray.”

In the end we talked for over an hour, both truly opening up to each other and sharing all our wants and the fears that this relationship brought. I guess we both realized the same thing though, and that was that we loved each other and neither of us would cope if something happened either one of us.

“I think sometimes we can be as stubborn as each other Ray.”

“Yeah well, next time just kick me in the head until I see sense.”

“Ray violence isn’t something that I condone and you know that, also it’s more your style than mine.”

“So Mountie, I have style do I”

“Style amongst other things Ray.”

“Hmm how about we go to bed and you can show me what those other things are?”

“Very well.”

“Seriously, are we good now Frase?”

“We’re good Ray, now and always.”

“Good, bed now or else I might have to get physical.”

“Oh, you can get physical anytime you want in the bedroom Ray.”

It was good to see Frase laugh and smile like that, it was also a reminder that this man was my entire world and without him I was nothing.

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew that Ray was right and we’d do better come morning, not that I liked having to sleep in the bed alone once more. Okay so maybe I was needy and didn’t cope too well on my own, however right now it was the unknowing that was making me feel really sick and depressed. It turned out that I spent most of the night sat on the couch wide awake and drinking coffee, as I’d just wanted morning to come so we could get back out there and do something productive.

Morning finally arrived and I was totally on edge now and knew I’d drank way too much coffee, Ray arrived and he didn’t look too pleased with me and what he saw either. Okay so I hadn’t done anything since returning home, I guess food and hygiene were way low down on my list of priorities at the moment.

“Ya look like shit Billy, have ya even slept at all?”

“That doesn’t matter right now, come on are you ready to go Ray?”

“Billy you need to go grab a shower first and change, look we have time and I’ll wait for ya.”

“Fuck that, I need to go now Ray.”

“Billy…”

“Fuck you…”

Suddenly I jumped up and the whole room span, I think I would have hit the floor hard had it not been for Ray’s quick thinking. Then he was holding me in his arms and I realized that I was crying like a baby, it was all too much and now with the disappearance of Alex I was truly falling apart. At least Ray was rather subtle and never laughed about my break down, yet his look made me wonder what he truly saw when he looked at me.

“Billy go and shower, I could do with a coffee anyway.”

“Yeah okay, look I’m sorry about that.”

“Billy it’s totally understandable, ya need to eat somethin though as I can’t have ya passing out on me.”

“Yeah okay, maybe just some toast or something.”

“Okay, I’ll sort it while you sort ya self out.”

I had to admit that the warm water felt good and rather relaxing, shit maybe a little too relaxing after staying awake all night though. Once showered I dried off and grabbed some jeans and a tee shirt. Only then did I brave it and look at myself in the mirror, well I guess I’d have to accept the bruises as there was no way I could hide them now and was just thankful that they’d faded somewhat. As for my hair, shit I hadn’t realized it had grown so much and even the gel wouldn’t make an improvement on it. I looked like a fuckin kid with my hair longer, I hated it as everyone always wanted to see proof that I was legally old enough to be in clubs.

Finally, I stepped away from the mirror and went to join Ray in the kitchen. The man was stubborn at times and refused to take me anywhere until I’d eaten the damn toast, also it didn’t help that I wasn’t capable of driving right now and he knew that. In the end we didn’t leave for over an hour or so, even so, I still had to smile as I realized Ray was doing it for me and didn’t hate me despite everything.

At first we both went into the hospitals together; Ray flashed his badge and soon had all the answers he wanted and that helped. At least this way we were getting in and out of each one fast before moving onto the next one, twice Ray had to wake me though as exhaustion was creeping in and I knew I’d need to stop soon before I collapsed. I must have fallen asleep and Ray decided to leave me there and go in alone, that was how it was from there on as I was too tired now to even get out of the car. Shit then suddenly I was waking up as a hand shook me, then I opened my eyes to see Ray looking rather upset and concerned.

“Billy wake up…”

“What is it?”

“I’ve found Alex.”

“So, what are we waiting for?”

“Billy he was in an accident, shit there’s no easy way of saying this…”

“Ray just tell me; shit I need to know.”

“He’s in a coma Billy…”

“Oh fuck, please I need to see him Ray.”

“Come on then.”

We entered the hospital and soon found the right room, suddenly I couldn’t breathe when I saw him and how he looked. I’d never seen Alex look so fragile and it was tearing my heart apart, then I remembered the real reason he’d gone out that night and ended up here.

“Ray, will you take me home?”

“We only just got here Billy…”

“You can take me or I’ll call a cab, look I need to go now…”

“Of course I’ll take ya Billy, I just don’t get why you want to leave when we just found him?”

“It’s me, shit I did this to him and he’ll be better off without me here.”

“Billy ya don’t mean that, it’s just the shock talking.”

“Oh, I mean it alright; I fuck up everyone that comes into my life and he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Billy…”

“Ray, will you shut up and take me home?”

“Yeah if ya promise me one thing?”

“What’s that?”

“Ya get some sleep and come back in the morning, everything will look better when you’ve slept and ate something.”

“Yeah maybe you’re right, fine I’ll come back tomorrow then and take it from there.”

“Pitter patter then.”

The drive to my place was made in silence and gave me time to think, I was tired and would do as Ray asked despite what my own head was telling me. Ray left me there and told me he’d be back early in the morning to take me back to the hospital and to Alex.

I soon realized that sleep wasn’t going to come no matter how tired I was, in the end I returned to the couch taking a bottle of vodka with me. I figured it might relax me and help me get some much needed sleep, instead all it did was make me think about Alex and what I’d done.

Three hours I sat there drinking and thinking about what a fuck up I was, finally, I went into the bathroom to take a leak and then noticed the medicine cabinet. Well, I guess this would prove to them all that I was fucked up and they’d be better off without me. I soon had what I needed and even stopped to grab the vodka as I went into the bedroom, I then opened every box of pills and downed the whole lot with the remaining vodka knowing I was doing them all a favour.

XXXXXXXXXX

The last few days had totally drained me and it kept getting worse too, no way was I expecting the day to end as it did and with Alex in hospital. Then there was Billy too to think about in all of this, so eventually, I drove home praying that he would actually get some sleep so he could deal with this.

It had worried me when we went in to see Alex too, especially as he never asked the usual questions that people ask when things like this happen. Billy never even asked what had happened to Alex or how he ended up there, it was suddenly as if he didn’t want to be anywhere near him either. At least Fraser was there for me and forced me to eat and shower, deep down he knew that I was already suffering and fighting my own demons right now. Then to top it off it felt as if I weren’t doing enough to help Billy, I guess my brain wasn’t working on all cylinders right now and I was exhausted.

Night time wasn’t that much better either, I tossed and turned most of the time until Fraser wrapped me in his arms and held me there until the sun came up once more. Maybe I could forget about the world for now and everything that was beyond that door, I had all that I wanted right here in the room with me.

“Thanks Frase.”

“Ray I haven’t done anything.”

“For staying with me and putting up with all my crap, also for holding me and never letting me go too far.”

“Ray I will always be here for you and you should know that by now, you are my life and the man that I love.”

“Love ya too Frase.”

“Thank you kindly Ray.”

“Hey, I don’t want the polite Mountie…”

“What would you like Ray?”

“Hmm let me think… how about the sexy hot Mountie that wants to fuck me hard?”

“As you wish Ray.”

Fraser rolled me over so I was on my back and then his mouth was upon mine, and I was totally lost in the passion and love that flowed from the man above me. Fraser was a totally different man when he was your lover, long gone was the uptight Mountie that he always made himself out to be. It was amazing just how different one man could be when you had him alone, I also loved the fact that only I got to see him like this too.

Great now an image of Fraser in bed with Billy popped into my head, yet this time it felt really different and I wasn’t angry anymore. I guess in some ways I really felt sorry for Billy and I no longer hated the man, he was someone who needed to be loved and reassured all the time.

“Ray, Ray, Ray…”

“What?”

“Are you alright Ray?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You were miles away; I take it I was boring you?”

“Sorry Frase, look it’s me and I just got a little lost there.”

“Talk to me Ray.”

“Frase I’d rather you just carry on with what yer doin.”

“Talk then I promise that I’ll resume my love making Ray.”

“Stuck up annoying Mountie…”

“Ray…”

“Well it sorta kills the mood Frase, ya know all that talkin and stuff that I’m no good at.”

“You had better make it fast then Ray.”

“I was just thinking about Billy and how I no longer hate him, no big deal Frase.”

“Yes, you and Billy are very alike in some ways Ray, maybe that’s why you can see how he feels and the pain he’s suffering.”

“Frase I told ya so come on.”

Fraser never spoke and soon he had my erection deep inside that talented mouth of his, shit while I was moaning like a slut and couldn’t get enough of him. Fraser was hot and as sexy as fuck, yet he only wanted someone like me. That thought turned me on far more than I thought it would, just thinking about who I was that would make someone like him want me.

Shit, I was still thinking about what I had when Fraser decided to let his fingers join in the fun, I knew that I never stood a chance either and this would be over in seconds. Between his talented fingers and mouth I was totally fucked…oh god and then I was coming in his warm mouth as he swallowed every drop as always. Frase once told me that I was perfect and that I belonged to him, he also told me that he loved every bit of me and wasn’t willing to waste a single thing that was part of me either.

I was ready to go back to sleep by the time I’d returned the favor, I guess nothing could hurt me here and I loved it when both of us were together and safe. Fraser worried me as he never saw the danger, yet I guess in that respect we made the perfect pair.

“Ray, what time are you leaving?”

“Soon I guess, I can drop ya at the consulate if ya want?”

“I’d like that very much Ray.”

“Fine, I’ll shower and get ready then.”

“As will I Ray.”

I finally dropped of Frase with the promise of a call when I arrived at the hospital, Fraser was just as worried as I was with regards to both Alex and Billy. Now though I had to go and see if Billy had even slept or ate while he was alone, yet I arrived and received no answer despite the car was still outside and Billy wouldn’t walk.

After a few minutes I decided to pick the lock and let myself in, I guess it was far better being safe than sorry. The main room was empty as was the kitchen, then I entered the bedroom to darkness and could barely make out the shape on the bed.

“Come on Billy, up and at em.”

I received no reply and decided to open the curtains and let in some light, maybe the bright sunlight would wake him up. Shit, it took me all of two seconds to take in the scene and realize what had happened, I then searched for a pulse with one hand and dialed for an ambulance with the other. I was a cop and should have seen this coming after yesterday, yet all I could do now was pray that both Billy and Alex came out of this alive.

XXXXXXXXXX

I opened my eyes and looked around, not that it took me long to realize that I’d survived and was now in the fuckin hospital. Then everything made sense when I noticed Ray sat in the chair watching me, I gathered that he’d come to pick me up before the pills had finished me off and put me out of my misery.

“How are ya feeling Billy?”

“Why didn’t you leave me there to Die Ray, shit why did you have to bring me here and make suffer even more?”

“Jesus Billy, how the hell do ya think Alex would cope if he woke and you were dead?”

“He’d get over it…”

“What about me and Frase?”

“You’d all be better off without me.”

“Ya have someone who loves you Billy and friends who love you too, ya also have the band and the job you love so much… So yeah forgive me if I can’t understand why you wanna do this!”

“Shit I would have thought it was obvious, hell you’re a detective so even you must see that I fuck everything up.”

“Billy I don’t see it because it’s not true, and if I was a good a detective as you claimed…”

“What?”

“Look I wouldn’t have left you alone last night, I should have seen the signs and known you’d do something like this.”

“I guess we’re both fucked up then Ray…”

“Yeah ya can say that again, look ya need some help so that you can see things for what they are Billy.”

“Fuck that, l I just want to get out of here and go home.”

“Billy they won’t let you leave until you speak to someone.”

“What, are you saying that I’m stuck here for god knows how long?”

“Look I’m sorry.”

“Whatever, look I just want some time alone to clear my head.”

“Okay, I’ll call later if ya want?”

“Yeah okay.”

I made Ray promise to visit Alex before he came back to see me, I knew I hadn’t asked about him as I was afraid of what I might learn too. I just lay in the bed wishing there was a way forward and out of this place, shit I fuckin hated hospitals and now I was getting paranoid. Well this was just great and Joe was sure good at picking his times, it was then that I also realized something else too.

“Shit Joe, I can see you…”

“No shit Billy, so what gives?”

“Last time I saw you was at the cemetery back in Canada, so why couldn’t I see you all those other times Joe?”

“Billy that was the last time I saw you.”

“I hear you Joe and you tell me things, sometimes you can be really nasty though.”

“Oh shit I get it now, you hear me in your head and you think it’s me?”

“Don’t play games with me Joe, hell I know it was you!”

“Billy the voices are part of your fucked up head, you need to let go so that I can move on.”

“I tried to let go and deal with all this shit, not that any of them will fuck off and even let me top myself in peace.”

“Billy you’re a fuckin idiot.”

“Gee thanks Joe.”

“You have everything that you want right here.”

“Yeah right, Alex can’t even bring himself to look at me as he thinks I’ve lost it.”

“Billy, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did he think you’d lost it in the first place?”

“Because he knows that I talk to you.”

“Stop talking to me then, I meant the voice in your head’s not me so don’t waste your time. Look if you can see me like this, well that means I’m really here and you can talk to me.”

“Yeah I think I get it now, I guess I’ll have to make sure I’m alone first though.”

“See there’s hope for you yet Billiam, fuck I always found it hard expressing myself around you Billy.”

“I figured you hated me and that was why you hurt me so much.”

“Billy I never hated you or meant to hurt you, I loved you and was too fucked up to ever tell you the truth. I guess I thought you hated me and thought you were better than me, I thought I could only have you if I gave you no choice, shit I fucked up Billy and forced myself onto you…”

“I loved you Joe and I always did; shit you were always there for me when everyone else hurt me. That’s why I couldn’t understand why you’d want to hurt me like that, and now it all makes sense and it’s too fuckin late to do anything about it!”

“It’s not too late for you Billy, you can still move on and be happy with Alex. Also, I’ll still be here from time to time, well that’s if you still want me to visit you?”

“I’d like that Joe, just don’t visit at any inappropriate times okay.”

“Hey, that’s so not buddies Billy, watching someone fuck your gorgeous body’s not something I can pass up on.”

“Shit Joe.”

“Just get used to it Billy boy.”

“What if someone hears me talking to you?”

“Speak to the Mountie, the man’s level headed and can help you better than me when it comes to ghosts.”

“You mean Fraser, how would he know anything about this and seeing ghosts?”

“The Mountie talks to his dad all the time; it was his father that told me you needed my help.”

“Shit are you serious?”

“Even ask Ray as he knows Fraser does it too.”

“Yeah, I might do that.”

“Look get some sleep Billy then you can get the hell out of here.”

“They won’t let me leave until I see a shrink Joe.”

“So just bullshit them, tell them you thought Alex was going to die and it was a spur of the moment thing. You spent enough years with me Billy to get yourself out of this, just feed them some crap and you’ll be free to move on.”

“Thanks Joe for everything.”

“Hey, don’t be goin soft on me now Billiam, you get sorted and get back to the music and what you do best. Don’t blow this band off like you did the last one, especially as this band really kicks ass.”

“Yeah, I think so too.”

“I’m out of here Billy so get some rest.”

“Thanks Joe and don’t leave it so long next time.”

I was struggling to keep my eyes open now and sleep was coming fast, the next voice I heard was Ray’s and this time he’d even brought Fraser with him.

XXXXXXXXXX

I took Fraser to the hospital with me to visit Alex and Billy, I guess I thought maybe him there might help Billy open up and talk to me some more about his problems. First on the agenda though was Alex, and that was when we got the great news that he was awake and would be glad to see some friendly faces too. The nurse did inform us that he kept asking after someone named Billy and they were unsure what to tell him, in the end I told them the news would be best coming from myself and Fraser.

We both walked into the room to find Alex sat up and fully aware of us and his surroundings, one look and I knew his first question would be regarding Billy and why he hadn’t come to see him.

“Ya looking a hell of a lot better Alex.”

“Yeah it’s good to see you too, so how are you both doing?”

“We’re good, we should be asking you that question Alex.”

“I’m better than I was, shit I just need to watch out for cars and other things that can cause damage. Look at the end of the day I was really lucky not have died after what happened, there’s something I need to know Ray and I want you to be honest.”  
“Yeah I can do that, hell do ya think I could lie with Frase here in the room!”

“Ray…”

“Hey, I’m only kidding Frase, so what do you want to know Alex?”

“I had words with Billy and then I left to go get some alcohol, I told him it was up to him if he stayed for us or left.

“Yeah, I get that…”

“It’s been a few days and the nurses say I only had you visit and one other man, yet they said he only came once. Look Ray I need to know if he’s gone and left me, shit I need to know what to expect when they let me leave here and return home.”

“Where the hell do I start?”

“Ray please I need to know.”

“Billy decided to stay with ya because he loves ya, then ya never returned and he got it into his head that you’d walked out on him.”

“Shit so what are you saying, is he still at the apartment then or did he leave after I never returned.”

“He blamed himself Alex, he said this wouldn’t have happened to you if he hadn’t driven you away like he did. Look there’s no easy way to say this, Billy’s in the hospital because he took an overdose.”

“Shit is he okay now?”

“Yeah I found him and brought him here before it was too late, I’d actually gone there to pick him up so we could come and see you.”

“I need to see him.”

“Look let me and Frase go see him first Alex, Billy won’t even be aware your awake yet.”

“Okay, they said I can go home soon so I’ll call and see him before I leave.”

“Call me and we can pick you up and take you home, save calling a cab and we’ll still be here anyway.”

We told Alex we’d come back later, first I wanted to sit outside with Frase before we went to see Billy as I had to let him know what the situation was with the man. There was also the fact that I hated hospitals and really didn’t want to be stuck here right now.

It was a warm day and it was good to be outside, plus I got to spend some time with Frase and reflect on my own life at the same time. Against the odds we’d come through far stronger than before, and it made me realize that I was finally happy with life including everyone that was part of it. That was why I decided it was time to put my own past behind me and just look to the future, I would take each day as it came and be thankful for what I had.

“Ray, Ray Ray…”

“What Frase?”

“You’re awfully quiet.”

“God I love ya so much Frase.”

“As I do you Ray, that still doesn’t explain the silence and you must tell me if somethings bothering you Ray.”

“Frase I’m really good okay, look I think it’s time we paid Billy a visit.”

“Very well Ray.”

We took a slow walk to the main entrance and I explained to Fraser about Billy and the voices he hears, I also had to tell Fraser that I’d told Billy about him talking to his dead dad. Fraser as usual took it all in his stride like it was a perfectly normal thing to do, I guess it was just another thing that reminded me why I loved him so much.

We finally reached the correct room and opened the door, one look at Billy and I could see a huge difference in him. For once he looked really happy like everything was good and he’d found his place, shit at first I wondered if they’d upped his meds and he was high on something.

“Ya okay Billy?”

“Yeah, they said I can leave tomorrow.”

“Is that a good idea, I mean considering ya tried… ya know what I mean.”

“I’m really good Ray, Joe came to see me again and he explained a few things. He told me that Fraser’s dad sent him as he knew I needed help, I think he was called Bob or something.”

Straight away I noticed the look on Fraser’s face, it was like he was relieved that someone actually believed him for once. Then I also noticed as Billy’s face changed once more and he looked lost, it was only then that I remembered about Alex and the fact that Billy didn’t know he was awake.

“Well that’s good news Billy, maybe Alex can come and take ya back home as he’ll be well enough to drive come tomorrow.”

“What do you mean.”

“He woke up Billy and he’s coming to see you in a couple of hours.”

“Really, shit he must know why I’m here then…”

“Billy he loves ya and he’s just glad yer alive.”

“Yeah, thanks to you Ray.”

“Yeah well yer a friend Billy and we don’t wanna lose ya okay, look the past is the past, time to move on and deal with it.”

I meant every single word that I said to Billy, we could all be good together and have a future as lovers and friends. Fraser was my soulmate and I’d do anything to make sure he stayed with me. Then there was Billy and Alex who were my friends, something else that I’d realized I never really had in the past.

XXXXXXXXXX

Alex never came to visit that night and as usual, my brain worked overtime, my only savior was Ray who called to explain the reason and told me that I wasn’t to worry at all. Apparently they’d wanted to run a couple of more tests before finally releasing him, so the staff here wouldn’t let him see me as it was way past visiting time when he was released.

So now here I was dressed and sat on the bed waiting to leave, then to my dismay it wasn’t even Alex that came to pick me up either. Fraser walked into the room and told me to grab my stuff as it was time to leave, shit I was starting to get the impression that Alex really didn’t want to see me. Fraser had explained that Alex still felt somewhat lightheaded and wasn’t going to risk our lives by driving here, he also said that he loved me and would see me when I got home.

Fraser pulled up outside and assured me that everything would be alright, also that him and Ray would always be there for me if I ever needed them or just wanted to talk. I was happy that they still wanted to be friends after the stunt I’d pulled, I was also scared about going into the apartment and facing Alex after what had happened to me.

In the end I took the stairs to our apartment knowing it would take longer, despite I also knew Fraser would have called Alex and told him that he’d dropped me off safely. Hell, I even stood outside the door for a few minutes before opening it, not that I had a clue what I was scared of, well apart from rejection that is.

Finally, I walked in and found the room empty, however I could hear Alex moving around in the kitchen and the sound of the kettle. I had a feeling he was doing it to give me some space before we talked, because after all this was Alex and he sure as hell would want to talk before anything else. The first thing I did was go over to the couch and sit down ready for what was to come, then Alex walked into the room and I totally fell apart as I looked at him.

This man had nearly died and I couldn’t tell him how I felt because I was scared, shit why did I have to be so fucked up and pathetic all the time. Then suddenly Alex came and sat beside me and wiped the tears away as fast as they flowed, then he had me in his arms and I knew I couldn’t survive without him, I had to be strong and make this work.

“Billy it’s over now, we have to move on and be thankful that we’re both alive.”

“I thought you’d left and wasn’t coming back; I didn’t want to be here without you.”

“Billy I love you and would never leave you permanently, I might have times when I need some space but I’d always come back.”

“Do you mean that?”

“I don’t think you realize just how much I love you Billy, I loved you from the first day I met you and it just grew stronger. It broke my heart when you left me in Canada, to walk back out of that club to find you gone.”

“I fuck everything up Alex, hell look what happened with Ray and Fraser!”

“Billy you have to stop doubting yourself all the time, I’m well aware that you thought I had feelings for Ray and wanted him more than you. Well you couldn’t be any farther from the truth, okay I have some sort of bond with Ray but nothing like this. I guess it’s because he needed me and reminded me of you, also without Ray I would never have come back to Canada to find you.”

“Yeah I get it, I wanted to call you but knew you were better off without me. Then you were suddenly there Alex and I realized how much I love you, I guess we were doing okay until the day I saw you with Ray and then I only saw what I wanted to see.”

“Look Ray has Frazer and they both love each other so much, we have each other and nothings stopping us having them as friends.”

“Yeah, they’ve both done a lot for me when I thought you were gone.”

“Billy you are a far better man than you give yourself credit for, you’re a great lover and a good friend. Then there’s your career, you have one hell of a talent Billy and should stop trying to destroy what you have.”

“Oh shit, I need to call Hugh and let him know I’m okay now and still want to be in the band.”

“I called him last night Billy.”

“Really, shit am I still part of the band?”

“Apparently Hugh thinks the same way as me Billy, he thinks you’re really talented and said there will always be a place there for you.”

“So, everything’s good then?”

“Yeah, it’s all good Billy.”

“So, can we go to bed now that’s all sorted?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little early Billy?”

“Hey who said anything about sleeping…”

“As long as it’s just the two of us Billy?”

“Why who else do you expect to be there?”

“I’ve heard about Joe and what he was like.”

“I take it you talked to Fraser.”

“Yeah but it’s okay so don’t worry, well as long as he knows he only gets to watch.”

“Yeah I’m sure Joe will be happy with that; does it bother you that I still love him Alex… I mean I love you too and…”

“Billy stop worrying, it’s who you are and what makes me love you even more. It makes you human and someone that cares, I’m aware that he was the one that was always there for you, I’m also aware that without him you might not be here today.”

“True, shit without him I wouldn’t have even made it past puberty.”

I realized sometimes we push away the ones we love the most, especially if we think we’re not worthy of their love in the first place. William Boisy was a thin scrawny kid that took shit from everyone, well until that special person came along and protected me from the entire world. At the time I didn’t want to love him the way he wanted because I was scared, shit I was scared that I’d lose him as my best friend if we became lovers so I pushed him away.

I’ll always love Joe and he’ll always have a place in my heart, with Alex I’ve managed to face facts and realize that I can do this now and have both at once. Alex is my lover and my best friend and for that I thank Joe, Alex was right and chances are I wouldn’t be here without Joe pushing me all the time. I was also grateful that Alex accepted me as I was faults and all, as life’s good now and it’s time to move on and forget the fucked man I once was.

XXXXXXXXXX

Hanging by a Thread

By CarolelaineD

Title and inspiration came from the Billy Talent song, Hanging by a Thread


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